What would you say if I took those words away Then you couldnt make things new just by saying I love you.
Oh I forgot to tell you that I did say it.. I told him I loved him. It wasnt the way I had planned in my mind.. it wasnt even close..
There was a bit of drama that lead into it. It was Friday night when we were laying together.. I jokingly asked him if he had been reading this blog.. He said that he had.. WHAT!! WHAT??? He said that the week before memorial weekend- he read 2 of my entries cause he was having some doubts about my feelings. I freaked out!! What did you read? Why did you read them?? What did they say?? Why were you having doubts??
Then he dropped a bomb of a statement on me. He said he was having thoughts of ending this. At that point, I felt as if someone had just punched me in the stomach and knocked the breath out of me. If I had had a car, I would have gotten my keys and ran... I was just shaking and felt as though he had just slapped me.. I was so stunned and had a few tears well up but held that shit back.. I was pissed that I had trusted him not to read my blog, but I was more pissed that he didnt talk to me about his feelings, that he was just going to up and end this before we even got started, that he would do what he promised he would never do to me- lie and break my heart. Why did I get to this comfortable point with him, why did I let myself fall in love with him, get so attached?? Why did he let me!!!
He holds me and apologizes.. he told me that he was just worried that I wasnt feeling the same and that he needed to know.. so he read 2 of my blogs and whatever they said reassured him of my feelings.. then we had an amazing weekend when he came to visit and he now has no more doubts about us. Ya know, thats fine and dandy but Im still stuck on the fact that he was thinking of ending this.. I sat there and wiped the damn tear that started to flow.. and told him that I couldnt do that.. I couldnt go through that again.. I cant be in the dark and not have a clue what he was thinking and be surprised when it suddenly ends.. I honestly dont think I could do it again!! I shouldnt have to!
After talking about it for a while, he did make me feel better... but damn if that wont bother me for a while.. the sound of those words still ringing in my head. I told him that when I feel like he just pushed me 2 steps backwards... In the end, when he was holding me and told me that he loved me and kissed my forehead- I said it back. His eyes lit up and he smiled. Hell, I had been wanting to say it.. If I had said it before maybe this wouldnt have happened... I hope I never have to revisit this again.. it was horrible!! I was terrified and honestly dont know what I would do...
So I love him, He loves me.. We are very happy.. will soon be together.. So what is it about the conversation earlier with him that has me wondering???
There was a bit of drama that lead into it. It was Friday night when we were laying together.. I jokingly asked him if he had been reading this blog.. He said that he had.. WHAT!! WHAT??? He said that the week before memorial weekend- he read 2 of my entries cause he was having some doubts about my feelings. I freaked out!! What did you read? Why did you read them?? What did they say?? Why were you having doubts??
Then he dropped a bomb of a statement on me. He said he was having thoughts of ending this. At that point, I felt as if someone had just punched me in the stomach and knocked the breath out of me. If I had had a car, I would have gotten my keys and ran... I was just shaking and felt as though he had just slapped me.. I was so stunned and had a few tears well up but held that shit back.. I was pissed that I had trusted him not to read my blog, but I was more pissed that he didnt talk to me about his feelings, that he was just going to up and end this before we even got started, that he would do what he promised he would never do to me- lie and break my heart. Why did I get to this comfortable point with him, why did I let myself fall in love with him, get so attached?? Why did he let me!!!
He holds me and apologizes.. he told me that he was just worried that I wasnt feeling the same and that he needed to know.. so he read 2 of my blogs and whatever they said reassured him of my feelings.. then we had an amazing weekend when he came to visit and he now has no more doubts about us. Ya know, thats fine and dandy but Im still stuck on the fact that he was thinking of ending this.. I sat there and wiped the damn tear that started to flow.. and told him that I couldnt do that.. I couldnt go through that again.. I cant be in the dark and not have a clue what he was thinking and be surprised when it suddenly ends.. I honestly dont think I could do it again!! I shouldnt have to!
After talking about it for a while, he did make me feel better... but damn if that wont bother me for a while.. the sound of those words still ringing in my head. I told him that when I feel like he just pushed me 2 steps backwards... In the end, when he was holding me and told me that he loved me and kissed my forehead- I said it back. His eyes lit up and he smiled. Hell, I had been wanting to say it.. If I had said it before maybe this wouldnt have happened... I hope I never have to revisit this again.. it was horrible!! I was terrified and honestly dont know what I would do...
So I love him, He loves me.. We are very happy.. will soon be together.. So what is it about the conversation earlier with him that has me wondering???
posted by princess1215 at 3:17 AM
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