What Now?

I hate the feeling that everything just fell apart for no particular reason but that it is now over. No real reasons, explanations, anything... Its just done.

How do you move forward from that? I mean its one thing if they break up with you... You have a whole other set of problems to deal with... especially if there was someone else.. But what if it was so good, and it was what you really thought God had planned for you.. this perfect person that compliments you so well, and was your best friend in the world.. but for whatever rhyme/reason it just isnt meant to be.. and YOU feel it, and KNOW it deep down in your heart. What happens then?

So far, I have had 3 people come into my life that I thought were the ONE. The first I can honestly say I realized quickly after we broke up that he was not in any way, shape, or form the ONE for me. We remained friends though. The Second, I thought was love at first sight.. till 7 years later he broke up with me saying we had grown apart. We have had no contact since. The Third, was my everything, my best friend in the whole entire world!! Everything pointed to him, he's the ONE. He knows me inside and out, knows my past and wants to be in my future forever.. and like I said, it ended. I hope that we can remain best friends.. I truly do. So if love at first sight, and then destiny or fate- dont work out... Whats Next??

Im trying to not have a bad attitude, or too hard on myself for these relationships and how they ended and how I still dont comprehend why 2 ended at all... Was it me? Whats wrong with me? Am I unmarriable?? But in the end- I still dont have the answers and its not worth moping around and feeling miserable about, right?? So how do I pick my heart up off the floor and get going again?? And this birthday is posing a huge threat to my tender ego... Im single, never REALLY been proposed to, and no glimpse of anything in the future...and Im turning 28.

Maybe this will be my year.. I feel like Im grasping at any strands of hope of love and marriage and kids.. but they are just slipping out of my fingers... So TELL ME--- WHAT NOW??

SO DONE..

Im irritated!! I just hung up on his ass.. He calls me when it isnt convenient to talk- and talks to others.. tells me he will call me back... talks about stuff.. when I ask questions or make a comment, he ignores what I say altogether.. Why the hell call me if thats what its going to be like?? Seriously!!

This morning he called and I had him go to a link for some sandals a friend of mine found for me to wear at camp this summer.. and he all but said they were awful. He was very rude about it and that just set me off.. I dont care if you like the cheap ass shoes that I was going to get... I dont care that you are too good to shop for cheap shoes at payless... and I told him all that.

So when he went into a conversation with someone else right after that.. and then said oh I will have to call you back.. I was just so damn irritated.. Whats the point to all of this??? I mean REALLY.. Then he calls back and did the whole ignoring my comments and I said you know what, how about you just call me later when you can talk.. and he was like I am talking and I said no your not.. just call me later.. and he said fine and started in on something else and I hung up. Have a great freaking day!! Grrrr!!

Just Breathe..

Just Breathe..

Just got off the phone with him and this conversation went a little better. I hate all this confusion and uncertainty. But at least it was a nice talk and we laughed some. I miss him so much already and when he said that there was a DING on southwest for cheap.. I was so ready to book it! Is that wrong?? Shouldn't I be wanting some space and time right now to deal with this?? Honestly, Im just wanting to see him again.. and for what? We arent together anymore right? Ugh, this is all making NO SENSE what so ever.. The last few days with him here though were wonderful. We actually talked and I felt like he was the guy that I had been missing so much the past few months.. Why does that have to happen as he is leaving? I still am not sure what I did to push him so far away and I wish that I could take it all back and start over.. I was reading through my blogs from last summer and I was so happy.. where did that go? Owell, tomorrow is another day and I will have school to keep it all off my mind for a bit. Im sure I will be blogging quiet often now since I have this to work through... so IM officially back. :-(

Just For Today~ Be Happy!

I have no idea what to do. I need about 2 more days before I return to school. I have paper work for kids with possible add an adhd to fill out, paperwork and emails on kids that are going to be retained, grading papers, lesson plans, learning the new curriculum.. FACE IT- this is not an 8-3 job at all. I really need to do all this stuff but I cant seem to get myself out of bed. I cant sleep but have no motivation to get stuff done either. I just need a few days to clear my head and get my self pulled together.

SINCE I dont have that luxury, I will get my ass out of bed and get busy. just going to wait till 5pm. One more hour..lol

Just Breathe..

Just hung up the phone and already feel very empty. He said that it sucks being single. Well you have only been home a few hours and why is that the only thing on your mind? I am here missing you like crazy and your concerned with being single? I feel like the words I spoke to you the last few days went in one ear and out the other. Even the conversation just now- the comment about my dream, and the comments that my parents have made.. your response was like a slap in the face. SO I guess maybe you are a little more out of this than I am so far. Out of sight, out of mind- maybe? For now, I am just taking it a day at a time, loving you is something that I have done for a very long time and its never going to stop but if it needs to be changed back into a "friendship" love I will need some time for that. This has been very hard just in the last 24 hours.. and I dont guess that its going to get a whole lot easier but I think this transition would if you would talk to me, be real with me.

This is just that self talk stuff that helps you to work through your thoughts.. mine is just taking me in circles. I want to feel like everything will be fine but HELL IM SINGLE TOO.. this didnt JUST HAPPEN TO YOU! My life feels turned upside down.

Someday this will all make perfect sense, for now laugh at the confusion,smile through the tears..

AND KEEP REMINDING YOURSELF THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!!

Well I guess I was so wrapped up that I didnt have a chance to blog about the amazing time I have experienced the last 8 months. The love of my life dropped everything to come and be here with me and now as of yesterday has packed it and moved back. I just keep thinking- WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?? What did I do wrong? I have always been very strong about not having regrets but I just wish I had done so many things differently. Wonder if it would have made a difference? I wish that I had a better understanding of Gods plan for my life... whatever it is, I have that Jaime is in it.

What Could It Possibly Be??

So Im flying out tomorrow evening to go spend the weekend with Jaime. Excited- yeah. Packed- No. Tired- Extremely. Im hoping that tomorrow night I can get some GOOD sleep and then we can actually enjoy out time together Saturday and Sunday. Im a funny zombie.. When Im this tired, I will either talk your head off and say the MOST BIZARRE things or be really quiet. Considering we will be hanging out with 2 close friends of his tomorrow night.. I would like to just be normal when meeting them for the first time. Wish me luck!

Okay so on my way to work tonight... he tells me that he has a feeling I may get teary eyed this weekend. Um, okay. That is a weird comment to make. So of course, I asked Why?? And he just says, I just have a feeling you will... So what the hell does that mean?? He is just not getting the whole "I dont like surprizes" whether it be news I didnt know until the last minute Surprises or gifts or whatever.. Just like to know what Im headed for, ya know?? The only thing I think I might get teary eyed over for sure is the fact that if I have a glass of wine tomorrow night and am ready for bed at like 7pm and he wont let me cause we have his friends there..lol

Oh and I have one more thing that I need to share... make that 2. First is that Im still really nervous about the whole meeting of the CLAN of friends thing.. and dont know that meeting up with one of my best friends too will go all that well?? Wish I could just be more laid back.. maybe I should watch OFFICE SPACE and chill out.

Second thing is odd and I want to share it. Usually Im a VERY emotional person..cry at the drop of a hat, commericials get me every time.. that kind of emotional trainwreck kind of a person.. BUT since April when I saw Jaime for the first time after years of being apart.. I have lost my emotional stuff. Yes I have gotten emotional a few times.. like when he said I love you.. I got teary eyed.. when I had to put RAGS to sleep.. bawled.. but recently I feel like my emotions are numb.. I dont get all teary eyed at the simple things any more.. Why do you think that is?? Is that weird? Or is it just weird that I noticed it??? lol

Love is like a river, always changing, but always finding you again somewhere down the road.

Well its done.. my ex got married this weekend. It came and went and there wasnt a single sad moment. There was a moment that I thought we might run into friends of theirs, but that passed. There was the moment yesterday when my dad spoke with my ex's best friend, but that went by without a finch too.

I honestly can say that God has worked some amazing miracles in my life.. The past 2 years I have grown to know myself and what I can handle and who I can turn to in need. I am happier now than I have been in many, many years.. I feel like my life is finally moving forward and Im heading in the right direction.. All these things going on are so exciting, and scary at the same time.. but Im looking forward to them.

I honestly do wish my ex the best of everything.. a happy marriage and life with his new bride..cause in the 7 years we were together all I ever wanted was for him to be happy- and now he finally is. I think that may be something we have to learn in life.. that sometimes you can truly find yourself when things turn upside down.. you realize how strong you really are, and how much you truly loved that person and even though it hurt to let go, you can allow yourself to be happy for them because you did once love them and their happiness was the world to you.

So in closing that chapter of my life... Im starting a new one in about a WEEK! Jaime and I will begin moving into our house.. dont even know where to begin on this thought.. besides to say that Im very excited, eager, and nervous.. I will be in trainings all day, he will be in orientations all night.. When will we get moved in, unpacked, and settled in?? Hopefully before Thanksgiving.. lol

This weekend is still kind of up in the air.. I was kind of hoping to get to stay here and start moving in.. but he really wants me there. I want to see him too, dont get me wrong.. just know that there is so much to be done here.. feels irresponsible to leave town right now. The meeting of the friends has been moved to Saturday night now.. so one more day to stress about it..lol Point is that he loves me and is coming here to be with me.. they can think what they will about me, but it doesnt matter... right?

I love you - those three words have my life in them.

Hmm.. the last week has just been insane..been really busy and head spinning, nerve wracking! I have another week of it and hopefully Friday it will be done.. Im supposed to drive to Round Rock that day to see Jaime for the weekend.. Im so ready to see him but have a few reservations about it.. I really have to get all my stuff done here before I can up and go.. Also evidentally I will be meeting ALL his close friends..

He told me that this weekend would be us spending time together and doing a whole lot of NOTHING.. I was really looking forward to that. But now he's got friends coming in from Dallas to meet me, and then the next night we are going out with some other friends.. So after I told him that I might not be able to make it till Saturday if things arent done.. He has arranged to have just one big dinner with all his friends so that they can all meet me at once. Nervous- YES! Iam extremely nervous.. I have heard so many things about all these people and he loves and cares about them all so much. I want them to like me and be happy for us.. Im nervous that Im going to feel like they dont like me, are upset that he's moving here to be with me, that we arent good together.. or what if I meet them and dont like them?? I kind of got rubbed the wrong way by one of his closest friends already and she will be there too.. What in the world can I do to possibly feel better about this intimidating meeting of the friends?? I mean, thats a whole lot of people to meet at once, ya know? Just want them to like me, is that too much to ask?

After we have dinner with the friends, its supposed to be just us all weekend long and time together.. Im looking forward to that! Especially just being able to do nothing and worry about nothing for a few days.. When I get back things will start in full motion again and I know the next month is going to be insane.. With all the orientation for school, preparing for school, meeting the parents, meeting my students, giving presentations.. school actually starting.. Im scared too death! I wish that time would slow down just a bit.. Also he is going to be up here August 5-12th for orientation for the fire department here.. he is hoping that we can get moved into our house that week as well.. but that is all still up in the air.. No word from the guy living there as to when he will be out... I dont know that I can handle all this school stuff and moving at the same time.. As much as I am ready for him to be here, just feels very overwhelming at this point and I hope that time can slow down a bit and I can just enjoy what little time is left of my summer and my time with Jaime before school takes over...

Im loving my horoscope for today though.. really made me smile..

Your world is getting better, as if someone is changing the radio station to your very favorite. You've been struggling but now, day by day, the lights continue to get brighter. Let go of the petty details and go for the adventure that's been in your dreams.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

Things are good.. not great but good.. Its getting harder and harder to talk these days.. Guess its just cause we both have so much going on.. Im just so damn sick of this long distance stuff.. I know I only have like a month to go but its so hard!!!

For instance, Monday his mom was put in the hospital. I so wanted to be able to be there with him, and go with him to the hospital.. See what I mean about HARD? Thats that kind of stuff that I cant be there for him through.. and its sucks..

He did book his flight to come here for the fire departments orientation week.. So he will be here August 5-12th. That will be so nice.. and it would be even nicer if we were able to get moved into our house... but still havent got the guy moved out yet.. We are both getting alittle worried about that whole situation. Its going to suck if dont end up getting it and having to find something last minute with all the college kids coming back.. ugh...

Okay so IM really nervous about something else too.. Im driving up there the last weekend of July and apparently some friends of his are going to be in town that weekend. So we are going to hang out with them on Friday night.. and then another friend is having a "gathering" the next night.. Im so nervous about meeting his friends.. I want them to like me.. and from what I can tell from one or 2 so far- they arent going to. Wonder how that whole weekend will go???