What Could It Possibly Be??

So Im flying out tomorrow evening to go spend the weekend with Jaime. Excited- yeah. Packed- No. Tired- Extremely. Im hoping that tomorrow night I can get some GOOD sleep and then we can actually enjoy out time together Saturday and Sunday. Im a funny zombie.. When Im this tired, I will either talk your head off and say the MOST BIZARRE things or be really quiet. Considering we will be hanging out with 2 close friends of his tomorrow night.. I would like to just be normal when meeting them for the first time. Wish me luck!

Okay so on my way to work tonight... he tells me that he has a feeling I may get teary eyed this weekend. Um, okay. That is a weird comment to make. So of course, I asked Why?? And he just says, I just have a feeling you will... So what the hell does that mean?? He is just not getting the whole "I dont like surprizes" whether it be news I didnt know until the last minute Surprises or gifts or whatever.. Just like to know what Im headed for, ya know?? The only thing I think I might get teary eyed over for sure is the fact that if I have a glass of wine tomorrow night and am ready for bed at like 7pm and he wont let me cause we have his friends there..lol

Oh and I have one more thing that I need to share... make that 2. First is that Im still really nervous about the whole meeting of the CLAN of friends thing.. and dont know that meeting up with one of my best friends too will go all that well?? Wish I could just be more laid back.. maybe I should watch OFFICE SPACE and chill out.

Second thing is odd and I want to share it. Usually Im a VERY emotional person..cry at the drop of a hat, commericials get me every time.. that kind of emotional trainwreck kind of a person.. BUT since April when I saw Jaime for the first time after years of being apart.. I have lost my emotional stuff. Yes I have gotten emotional a few times.. like when he said I love you.. I got teary eyed.. when I had to put RAGS to sleep.. bawled.. but recently I feel like my emotions are numb.. I dont get all teary eyed at the simple things any more.. Why do you think that is?? Is that weird? Or is it just weird that I noticed it??? lol

Love is like a river, always changing, but always finding you again somewhere down the road.

Well its done.. my ex got married this weekend. It came and went and there wasnt a single sad moment. There was a moment that I thought we might run into friends of theirs, but that passed. There was the moment yesterday when my dad spoke with my ex's best friend, but that went by without a finch too.

I honestly can say that God has worked some amazing miracles in my life.. The past 2 years I have grown to know myself and what I can handle and who I can turn to in need. I am happier now than I have been in many, many years.. I feel like my life is finally moving forward and Im heading in the right direction.. All these things going on are so exciting, and scary at the same time.. but Im looking forward to them.

I honestly do wish my ex the best of everything.. a happy marriage and life with his new bride..cause in the 7 years we were together all I ever wanted was for him to be happy- and now he finally is. I think that may be something we have to learn in life.. that sometimes you can truly find yourself when things turn upside down.. you realize how strong you really are, and how much you truly loved that person and even though it hurt to let go, you can allow yourself to be happy for them because you did once love them and their happiness was the world to you.

So in closing that chapter of my life... Im starting a new one in about a WEEK! Jaime and I will begin moving into our house.. dont even know where to begin on this thought.. besides to say that Im very excited, eager, and nervous.. I will be in trainings all day, he will be in orientations all night.. When will we get moved in, unpacked, and settled in?? Hopefully before Thanksgiving.. lol

This weekend is still kind of up in the air.. I was kind of hoping to get to stay here and start moving in.. but he really wants me there. I want to see him too, dont get me wrong.. just know that there is so much to be done here.. feels irresponsible to leave town right now. The meeting of the friends has been moved to Saturday night now.. so one more day to stress about it..lol Point is that he loves me and is coming here to be with me.. they can think what they will about me, but it doesnt matter... right?

I love you - those three words have my life in them.

Hmm.. the last week has just been insane..been really busy and head spinning, nerve wracking! I have another week of it and hopefully Friday it will be done.. Im supposed to drive to Round Rock that day to see Jaime for the weekend.. Im so ready to see him but have a few reservations about it.. I really have to get all my stuff done here before I can up and go.. Also evidentally I will be meeting ALL his close friends..

He told me that this weekend would be us spending time together and doing a whole lot of NOTHING.. I was really looking forward to that. But now he's got friends coming in from Dallas to meet me, and then the next night we are going out with some other friends.. So after I told him that I might not be able to make it till Saturday if things arent done.. He has arranged to have just one big dinner with all his friends so that they can all meet me at once. Nervous- YES! Iam extremely nervous.. I have heard so many things about all these people and he loves and cares about them all so much. I want them to like me and be happy for us.. Im nervous that Im going to feel like they dont like me, are upset that he's moving here to be with me, that we arent good together.. or what if I meet them and dont like them?? I kind of got rubbed the wrong way by one of his closest friends already and she will be there too.. What in the world can I do to possibly feel better about this intimidating meeting of the friends?? I mean, thats a whole lot of people to meet at once, ya know? Just want them to like me, is that too much to ask?

After we have dinner with the friends, its supposed to be just us all weekend long and time together.. Im looking forward to that! Especially just being able to do nothing and worry about nothing for a few days.. When I get back things will start in full motion again and I know the next month is going to be insane.. With all the orientation for school, preparing for school, meeting the parents, meeting my students, giving presentations.. school actually starting.. Im scared too death! I wish that time would slow down just a bit.. Also he is going to be up here August 5-12th for orientation for the fire department here.. he is hoping that we can get moved into our house that week as well.. but that is all still up in the air.. No word from the guy living there as to when he will be out... I dont know that I can handle all this school stuff and moving at the same time.. As much as I am ready for him to be here, just feels very overwhelming at this point and I hope that time can slow down a bit and I can just enjoy what little time is left of my summer and my time with Jaime before school takes over...

Im loving my horoscope for today though.. really made me smile..

Your world is getting better, as if someone is changing the radio station to your very favorite. You've been struggling but now, day by day, the lights continue to get brighter. Let go of the petty details and go for the adventure that's been in your dreams.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

Things are good.. not great but good.. Its getting harder and harder to talk these days.. Guess its just cause we both have so much going on.. Im just so damn sick of this long distance stuff.. I know I only have like a month to go but its so hard!!!

For instance, Monday his mom was put in the hospital. I so wanted to be able to be there with him, and go with him to the hospital.. See what I mean about HARD? Thats that kind of stuff that I cant be there for him through.. and its sucks..

He did book his flight to come here for the fire departments orientation week.. So he will be here August 5-12th. That will be so nice.. and it would be even nicer if we were able to get moved into our house... but still havent got the guy moved out yet.. We are both getting alittle worried about that whole situation. Its going to suck if dont end up getting it and having to find something last minute with all the college kids coming back.. ugh...

Okay so IM really nervous about something else too.. Im driving up there the last weekend of July and apparently some friends of his are going to be in town that weekend. So we are going to hang out with them on Friday night.. and then another friend is having a "gathering" the next night.. Im so nervous about meeting his friends.. I want them to like me.. and from what I can tell from one or 2 so far- they arent going to. Wonder how that whole weekend will go???

Even If It Kills Me, I'm Gonna Smile

Today Iam officially acting like a "GIRL".. the typical insecure, questioning, pissy acting girl! Its really driving me crazy!! Dont know if its the weather, hormonal stuff, or if I had a right to feel that way... but damn.

We havent gotten to talk much this week at all and last week was similar.. our conversations have been short and sweet just cause our schedules are so different, I didnt have a phone for a few days, and now Im low on minutes.. things like that have just made it more difficult to talk lately.. Im really hating this whole long distance thing now.. badly!!

So I talked to him for like 10 minutes this morning and then he said he would call me tonight.. Well I woke up and he hadnt called... so I called him. He was in a car, all I could hear were girls voices in the background.. I couldnt hear or understand much of what he was saying. I caught that he had been out drinking and now they were driving to San Marcos and that he would call me when they got there.. um okay... Didnt know thats what he was doing this weekend so kind of caught me by surprise..

He didnt call.. and didnt call.. and I just got more and more irritated. I sent him a text message asking if they had gotten there yet.. (was that bitchy??) It was like 2am.. we had talked about 9:30pm- So of course I knew they were there long ago..

He called back. We talked and he was saying that they had gotten there, got some drinks at a bar, and were hanging out at his friends condo and playing games and drinking.. They are going to float the river tomorrow.
He said "Your being quiet tonight.." So I did tell him that I was a little irritated with our conversation earlier.. it kind of bummed me out that we didnt get to talk..he told me that this was a spur of the moment thing they all decided to do..and just went...

Im not upset with the fact that he's gone to have fun with friends and float the river.. It was just the whole way the conversation was earlier.. I dont like surprises and this was just kind of a big one for me.. I had been looking forward to talking to him tonight and then all I got was a person who had been drinking, not making much sense, telling me he's going to another city, with some girls, and would call me back...??

Im just wondering if I was wrong in being a little hurt by that conversation.. was I just being too sensitive?? I dont worry about him doing anything, or lying about anything.. I trust him completely.. I think I just got so used to him being so considerate and always letting me know what was going on with him.. that it caught me by surprise and I didnt like it.. Everything is fine, I feel better that we got to talk tonight for about 20 minutes.. So I think the "Girl" moment has passed.. I hate feeling that way..

I JUST WANT HIM TO BE HERE ALREADY DAMMIT!! TIRED OF THIS SHITTY LONG DISTANCE CRAP!!!! SO FREAKING HARD....

Uncertainty..

When I talked with him tonight on the phone.. there was hint of uncertainty in his voice.. I dont know that it has anything to do with US or if its just the fear of the job stuff or what??

But He said that he noticed in my blogs lately how stressed it seems that Im getting about things and wondered if this move if whats causing it.. I told him that NO it had nothing to do with the move and stuff.. If anything I am really looking forward to having him here with me to share in my experiences and to start our relationship together finally!! I am so ready for him to be here!!

It just all the school stuff that is getting to me and all the uncertainty about what the hell Im going to be doing this year.. I have this reoccuring dream about my first day of school and standing in front of my class and having NO IDEA what Iam doing!! Im just honestly really scared about this school, this grade, have no idea what to expect and what to buy.. what I need to be doing.. I feel like all this time in school has not prepared for me this.. I really thought that my "mentor" teachers would be more helpful than they have been and would have given me some guidance and shown me what I needed to do and help me out.. but they havent done anything.. They arent concerned at all and arent returning phone calls.. Thats whats freaking me out and has me stressed out badly! I only have 2 weeks to get all this shit done and have no idea where to even begin! Wish I had someone to give me some pointers and guide me a bit so that I would feel better about all this...

So I told him that and I think he felt better about it.. He told me that he is 100 % sure he wants to do this and just didnt want to be a reason that I would be stressing out.. Hell no!! I just want him here! Our relationship is so strong and I think that us being in the same place and being able to work together on everything thats going on in our lives with jobs and stuff will just help us get even closer and I see myself being disgustingly happy once he is here..

When Im with him, Its like I dont have a care in the world.. He really makes me feel safe and secure and I stress less about things cause the way he talks to me about it just helps me to realize it will get done and it will be great... I love him so much for that!!

So hopefully this "uncertainty" stuff will pass and he will get here and it will be wonderful.. thats what I am looking forward too anyways!

Its His Birthday!!

Today is his Birthday.. kicking myself a bit for not having just bought the damn plane ticket to go and visit him this weekend.. Would have been so nice to spend the weekend with him, his family & friends.. but guess there is plenty of time for that in the future.. He needs this time with them now since he will be leaving soon. At least thats how I talked myself out of going down this weekend..

So today is his big day and Im not there for it.. kind of sad.. but he will be here soon enough..IM SO EXCITED!!

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Why is it that when things are going so well, too well, we wonder whats wrong? When is everything just going to fall apart?? Why cant we just be happy while we are in the moment and enjoy it??

I sent Jaime an email last night asking all sorts of questions.. is he ready for this move? Is he ready to pick up his life and leave it all to come here and start it again with me?? This is not any hesitance on my part, but I just worry that he is doing this for the wrong reasons or feels like he has to cause he said he would.. This was HIS idea after all.. Im more than happy about it but just worry that he is having 2nd thoughts.

His friends there are NOT happy about this at all, and think he is making a HUGE mistake. Am I a mistake? or is it just the fact that they havent met me, dont know how happy we make eachother, how strong our feelings are, and that we both believe we have a future together?? Whatever the reasons, I just wish they would be more supportive about it.

I know what its like to move and have to leave friends behind, I have done it most of my life. I consider myself a PRO... but this will be his first time... I just am concerned that he will get here and not be happy.. not find a job that he is passionate about, that is very important to him..I just want us to be happy and have a successful relationship, not set ourselves up for failure.. This is all normal right??

This is a big step for me.. I always said I would never live with a boyfriend, maybe a fiance but not a boyfriend.. am i jumping the gun?

We are very happy with eachother and the world just feels so right when he is with me.. I look forward to him moving here and us living together.. I just hope that everything doesnt fall apart, like things tend to do when they are going so well..ya know??

He talked to me on the phone tonight and reassured me of his feelings and how badly he wants to be here with me. That he is excited about moving up here and is not backing out. hadnt crossed his mind at all.. (wheeew!sigh of relief on my part...)

"He lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realize.”

Once again my head is left spinning after a fast and furious 4 days with Jaime. Let me catch you up on the highlights..

He got in on Friday night.. we went by and saw some friends for alittle bit and then headed home to get some sleep. Been a long long day for both of us. We actually got some good sleep that night- think that might have been a first. We must have been exhausted!! Saturday we woke up and went to my parents rent house to check it out.. My dad gave us a heck of an offer- so we are possibly considering it but need to check out finances first. Neither of us want to get in a financial bind.. My dad then took him to go hit balls at the rang for a bit.. I headed home to get showered, packed for our trip to Amarillo.

When they got done, we headed out! My dad was talking to him about what possible job options he had and Jaime mentioned a place I had told him about. Well just so happens that my dad knows the owner and gave him a call.. So on our way out of town, we ran by the place to check it out.. Really neat place, he would love to work there but we both have a feeling it pays like min. wage or something.. so would be a possible 2nd job for his days off if he gets off with the fire department maybe?

The road trip flew by.. we got to the hotel and they were completely full.. we got our room but were sharing the hotel with a Johova Witness Conference.. lol We changed and headed out again to get to the show.. I was pretty impressed with the fact that I didnt get car sick on the way down the canyon.. I tend to do that..

Anyways it was hotter than hell and we had to stand in long lines for while.. the peeps that met us there consisted of another couple and their 2 daughters.. it was alittle awkward cause the couple was fighting like cats and dogs.. So we have our COWBOY CATTLE CALL DINNER and it was eh' alright I guess.. not worth the money but Im just not a big BBQ person.. the show begins and wow!! My friends 3 year old was not in the mood for this.. She was talking non stop, wanting to play with me and Jaime.. she wasnt bothering me at all but I could tell that the people ALL ROUND US were going nuts!! They paid good money to see this show and all you could hear is this 3 year old.. Dont suggest taking kids to this show, kind of asking too much of them to sit there that long!

Anyways, I had seen this show before and LOVED IT! This particular night though, it was like a BAD dress rehearsal with the understudies performing.. Couldnt hear anything!! The music, singing, lines all of it was muffled.. So I was more than happy to have Graci to entertain me! lol I did feel pretty bad though that I had drug Jaime to this show being that it was so bad!! He enjoyed himself though, it was entertaining just hard to hear and pay attention to. The most exciting part was when the fireworks went off at the end..lol

We left the show and said our goodbyes.. headed back to the hotel.. decided to get some wine or something to chill with.. go to a United and couldnt find anything.. we asked a guy there where we could find the alcohol and he said "we are a dry spot." Excuse me?? What does that mean? Ah hell no, we arent in Lubbock anymore.. whats the problem here?? Turns out they have areas of town that they dont sell anything but right down the street and through the light it was a free for all..lol Well not really a free for all but they had wine coolers and beer.. better than nothing! So we picked up some Fuzzy Navel wine coolers and headed home. It was so funny drinking those, brought back memories of way back when.. lol

Sunday morning we got up at 8am!! We headed to my childhood church there and wow has it changed.. When the priest walked in at the beginning of the service, it was like listening to a MONTY PYTHON MOVIE.. DUN TA DA DA!!! The trumpet made it seem like a King was entering the building..lol So weird, the service was kind of weird too, at one point, I couldnt stop laughing.. I felt horrible for it but what in the world??? I miss the old days!! Then we grabbed some lunch and headed home... made pretty good time too! :-)

Once we got back, my parents told us to get changed into our swim suits and that we were about to head out to the Dr's house at the lake..the drive was miserable! it was a long 2 hours and then we got lost.. once we finally made it there, they were done at the lake for the day and about to have dinner..we joined them and hung out for a few hours.. good times! Funny funny people!! But we were so tired!! this constant going and going was starting to wear on us both. We got back to Lubbock at 10:15 and had to change and meet up with some friends by 11:30.. Good thing we both got our 2nd wind!

We headed out to a gay club here and it was so much fun! Very relaxed environment with some amazing dancers.. it was about 50/50 as far as gay to straight ratio.. Sunday nights are the DRAG SHOW nights so i was all sorts of excited about this.. before the show, these 2 guys got out on the dance floor and were having dance off.. just amazing!! I wish I could dance like that.. The drag show wasnt all that I had expected.. pretty darn boring.. picture a man in an evening gown singing Toni Braxton. yeah, not much to it! Then the drinks were flowing and we dance for a bit.. It was a GOOD TIME!!

Headed back to my friends house and we were all a bit drunk and decided to go SWIMMING! managed to make it home about 5am.. drunk drunk drunk! We were getting ready for bed and I made a horrible horrible slip up. Being that I was very drunk, I wasnt thinking well.. and I turned to him and said " We have to get up pretty early to go look at apartments.. so you need to go to bed KEVIN!"

GASP!!! I know, I know.. I called him the dreaded EX's name!! That brought about some bad drama and major hurt feelings and as much as I was trying to fix it and make it better, I ended up passing out... Woke up the next morning and turned to see him just laying there and staring at me with this sad look on his face.. he told me that when i said that last night, it broke his heart... I felt horrible!

I was really wishing that he would not have remembered what had happened..but he did. He didnt sleep well at all that night cause he was so upset about it.. we talked it out though and things are okay.. just one of those mishaps that happens to throw things all course when they are so wonderful.. Breakfast with the folks and then my dad and jaime were off for a day of golf.. (Jaime and i did not wake up with enough time to go check out apartments, drunk people shouldnt be in charge of setting an alarm..lol) So they leave and I go back to bed.. I was so tired!

He didnt get back till 7pm that night and had to shower and leave again at 8pm.. I ran this boy RAGG 'ed! We met up with one of my best friends from HS and her husband.. They had never met Jaime before.. Dinner was fun and then we drove out and watched fire works.. another old friend called and wanted to meet up with us, and as tired as we were- Jaime said yeah lets go. So we went to a bar and had A DRINK and hung out for a few hours catching up.. I could barely keep my eyes open and I had a nap that day.. so I cant even imagine how he was feeling..

Woke up this morning at 7:30am, breakfast with the family, headed to the parade and actually hung out afterwards and walked the blocks for a while.. it was a beautiful day out.. but didnt get home till almost noon.. helped mom prepare lunch that could have feed 15 people, we ate and spent time with the family.. time just flew by too quickly and then it was time to take him to the airport. Got home tonight and took a nap before work..

Looks like he will be back in 2 weeks possibly.. cause we gotta find a place to live and find him a job.. times sneaking up on us!! Great weekend though and my family adores him.. all my friends seem to think the world of him too.. he likes all my friends, a few especially but we didnt get to hang out with them much this time.. He is really looking forward to the move here though!! Good Times ahead!!