lonely..

It amazes me that I can be surrounded by people all day long and feel so alone.. I long for a quiet moment where I can just do anything but think and just sit back and relax.. Yes I feel more alone right now than I have in a long time.. My mind is running and my life is just fast paced right now and I sometimes feel like I cant breathe..

At church this past Sunday, a couple was sitting in front of me and they looked so happy.. They couldnt stop holding hands and stealing a quick kiss.. appropriate in church or not.. I miss that.. I miss having someone there, knowing that someone feels so much for me..

No I dont have time for it right now in my life, but when will I? When will I meet that someone that will make my heart beat faster, bring a smile to my face just hearing their voice...

I did something stupid right now.. yes as I type this damn blog... The ex signed on for the occassional IM session and of course went straight to away message.. (Think that its the infamous Fiance??Hmm..) Anyways, I decided oh what the hell.. I will just look.. It just said.."Taking my Fiance out to Dinner" Um, okay.. Really?? Why in the world would someone feel the need to take someone out to dinner after 10pm at night and leave a IM message to let everyone know that he is taking his FIANCE to dinner.. which im sure dinner will consist of a nice drive thru at McDonalds but still.. lol How retarded... Okay so Im done feeling curious about the messages cause they are just dumb and obviously whoever is writing them thinks that I CARE??lol Honestly, how many guys refer to their soon to be wife as their FIANCE on IM once every 2 months..lol Come one girl- Im not a threat so stop your petty ways.. :-)

So anyways, back to my pity party...lol Im just feeling lonely these days-- maybe cause in less than 2 hours it will be the month surrounded by hearts and couples.. ? Who knows?? Dont you worry, Im going to get mine, eventually :-)

Love this Quote:
Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.

"Love Beauty; it is the shadow of God on the universe."
Gabriela Mistral


As I look back on all that's happened..growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever..and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.
Author Unknown.

Emotional Retard..

Gosh, I watched "The Notebook" the other night and ever since have been thinking about how great it would be to have a love story like that.. I thought I had one before and now that its gone..(great story of how the ex and I met.. will share that another time though) I wonder if I will have another.. maybe without the drama..lol

So my mind has been a little off lately and I cant seem to keep my thoughts straight, Maybe its from the all Diet Coke I have been drinking lately?? After watching that movie though, I was kind of a emotional wreck, cause it makes you cry. CRY HARD, with the ugly face and everything.. I think I just miss feeling that special to someone and returning that feeling to them.. Patience is what I need right now, and maybe a glass of wine to knock me out..

What is it about girls that we think about things all the damn time? When will we meet THE ONE, when will we be the ones getting married, when will I have kids, will the kids look like me or the daddy?? These thoughts have been running through my head all day and whats the point of thinking about this crap when there are not any options presently?? ya know?? UGH!!!

So then I was surfing a neat little website and found this quote and just loved it.. made me smile.

Love is like a star, you know reaching for it is impossible, but you keep reaching, hoping that one day the star might fall . . . for you.

Hey, tomorrows another day with brand new possibilities!! I better get to bed so that Im rested for it!!

Oh one last thing.. tonight I was staring intently at myself in the mirror as I was talking to my best friend.. and I wondered what happened to that girl with sparkles in her eyes?? with the smile that used to make someones heart melt.. okay well maybe not.. but I was wondering where all the happiness and excitement went?? I just look blah these days.. empty eyes.. What can I do to get that sparkle back??? Any ideas??

Well I decided to find some motivational pictures of myself and BINGO- I found them. Of course there was some of the ex in them but look at them now I just smile and think how nice a time that was.. didnt linger long on those.. but I did find about 6 pictures of myself where I had a glow about me.. I looked truly happy and about 40 pounds lighter..lol So I think I will tape them to my mirror in the bathroom.. this might help remind me of my goal.. to be healthier, thinner, and get that glow back.. Gotta get a sparkle in my eyes again..

Also, my hair was damn cute back then.. So depending on how much my final paycheck is this week from my job- I may go cut off off about 6 inches of my hair and get a new do!! This might help to make me feel better too? What do you think?? So here's hoping that my final check is a BIG ONE!!!:-) Now, Im going to go try to get some BEAUTY SLEEP- lord knows I need it.

Dream A Little Dream..

So I wake up this afternoon and am smiling.. I usually remember my dreams very vividly but not this time. I just know that it was a great dream and I am happy. How nice!

Then tonight when I got home from working out, I showered and took a quick nap before work tonight. I was so tired.. I honestly woke up in the same position I fell alseep in- that's how hard I was sleeping. I usually toss and turn a bunch. Didn't move this time. So once again Im smiling, but this time I remember my dream, sort of.

I went to visit HIM. In this dream I felt like I was perfect and the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. It was wonderful.

So here's my thought.. You know how sometimes people hide behind things. Like I have a friend that is gay but it was easier to not come out and say that- but to just act like he had crushes on girls.. Alot of people do this.. its safe. Like straight girls who fall for gay guys because they are safe and the girl misunderstands the friendship and thinks that she can make it work..

What if Im just living in this little dream that this whole best friend thing- will turn into something more.. and is something more? What if Im just focusing on it, so that I don't have to get back out there and try dating again.. and if I keep this relationship just the way it is now-- its still safe??

I honestly haven't felt as good as I did in that dream- since I was with my ex. I miss that feeling of being truly happy and feeling truly loved. Of seeing in that persons eyes how much they love you and how special that makes you feel. Gosh, I wish I hadn't had to wake up.. it was nice if only for a little while.

But maybe at some point we all have to WAKE UP! and start living.. I think I might press the snooze just a few more times though..(Smiling)..

What Is My Type?? Who Knows?

I love me some Hockey.. maybe not a big fan of football.. but LOVE HOCKEY.. So since my dad was involved with the team here, I went to the games regularly... It was great! Last season, we had some HOT GUYS on our team.. Damn!! Because I have some issues with my appearance and freaking low self esteem- I never made appearances at any of outside events I was invited to. I should have gone and gotten to know the players!!

So this year many of the HOT GUYS have left and there are only 2 that I like to look at..:-) This next Thursday I will be attending a Casino Night for the teams fundraiser.. Dinner, Drinks, and Entertainment!! Plus all the players will be there..

I'm telling my best friend about me attending this event next week and he's like "whoa.. what do these guys look like..?" So not thinking- I tell him the website and he is asking which guys I think are HOT. Um, the players pictures are not good at all on this website, no, they are pretty much terrible.. I show him the 2 that I sort of like.. and he was like "What?" "Are you kidding me??" "Wow, I am so not your type.." ha ha

One guy is like 6'5'' 220lbs and the other is 5'9'' and 180lbs.. I was like, what do you mean?? Why aren't you my type?? These 2 guys are complete opposites?? he says, "well I guess what I meant was they are both white.." then I had to mention that all the guys on the team are white.. there is a very small percentage of hockey players in the central hockey league that aren't white.(Actually I had him go to the Austin hockey teams site and checkout the one player on the team that is not white). I remembered him cause he was damn good! This was weird.. I never think of him as anything other than being HIM... He never brings up Hispanic, black, white issues.. Wonder why he did this time??

The more I think about it, I don't have a certain type that I look for.. My mom swears I will marry someone with dark hair and dark eyes.. I'm more particular about their character, lifestyle, and morals.. but I guess deep down I must have some other qualifications.. I have never dated an ugly guy. One main feature I do seem to go for are lips.. pretty, thick lips.. :-) I wonder what his lips are like?? I cannot remember? The picture I have, you cant see his lips..
Hmm.. I should definitely check that out..

I need to download that Britney Spears song" Boys" I love the line: "Boys..sometimes a girl just needs one." Damn, its true!!! :-)

Is It Possible For A Longhorn To Secretly Love A Red Raider??

Okay so In honor of my best friends team winning tonight- I am writing in orange.. I was really really hoping they wouldn't win!! I do not like this particular team at all!! But in the end- they did and so of course I had to be happy for them.. (I guess).He told me that he even got teary eyed at the end cause of the accomplishment..( I guess it was a big deal??)
At least they are from Texas, Right??

So my best friend called me tonight to brag about them winning the game tonight.. He was a little hyped up and headed home around 2:30am. Very exciting night for Austin!!! We decided that once I move there, that he will buy us season tickets so that he can turn me into a Texas Fan.. I don't think he realizes that I'm not even a big football fan?? But it was a sweet gesture!! :-)

**This next part may get confusing**
So he asked me if my dad would still be in Florida for the next week.. I said yes.. So he says that he wants me to send him my dads address there.. He's going to mail him something to make him laugh. Uh huh...

Okay, back up, so way back when I lived in Austin.. My dad only met my friend one time.. but he did like him. He still likes him alot. But my Dad & I would go to the flea markets there every so often to buy fake Dooney and Burke purses and stuff like that...and my dad made a comment once that the only people working in the flea markets were Mexican and they all wore and sold stripe shirts.. (yes I did give him an ear full about stereotyping..)

Anyways, well the one and only time he met my best friend-- What do you think he saw?? Well my friend is Hispanic and he was wearing a striped shirt... So now its like a running joke with them.. If I'm on the phone with him, my dad always says- ask him if he's gotten any good deals on stripe shirts lately..or my friend will say hey be sure to tell your dad that I just stocked up on some new stripe shirts! They are so weird.

So anyways, My friend thinks it would be hilarious to send my dad a stripe shirt in the mail to Florida... he asked if my dad would get a kick out of that?? Um, yes My dad would think that was freaking hilarious!

Here's something that I wonder about.. of the guys I have dated seriously- they have always been very similar to my dad in many ways.. which can be good and bad. My boyfriend in high school (T) became so close with my dad that after we broke up, they still got together to play basketball and stuff all the time. How strange.. My dad really loved him.. and I think kind of hoped that we would eventually work out...(if only knew what "not a great guy" that ex was).

So then the next boyfriend (K) , the one for 6 1/2 years-- yeah they were similar too!! Even more so than the other boyfriend (T) .. My dad truly loved him like a son and was completely comfortable with (K) and I getting married someday.. then things changed between them and I wish that I picked up on it quicker. My dad realized long before I did that this guy was not meant for me. And I sure hope that my dad never see's this ex-boyfriend again.. I would be afraid of what he would say or do to the poor guy.

So my best friend has always had these running jokes with my dad, and my dad has always loved this guy... They have SO MUCH IN COMMON.. love sports, love football, love hunting, both very sarcastic, family orientated, religious,and their thought processes are very much the same.. My dad has told me since we lived in Austin, that I would marry this guy..

Now that my best friend is wanting to do this funny "mailing the shirt thing" to my dad.. what does that mean?? is he trying to get in even better, like kissing up? is he just trying to be funny just to be funny?? Why would you do something like that for your friends dad for no real reason? I worry that my dad really liking this guy and them both having so much in common isn't a good sign for me.. Or maybe I'm just over analyzing.. (I do this alot).

You know, I used to joke after I hung up with him, and say "ah.. he loves me.." to my friends.. Now whenever I tell them stuff he says or does, they say it.."ah.. he loves you.."
I wonder if he really does?

Owell at least we know one thing for certain-
He loves his University of Texas Long Horns!!

Friends

So my best friend calls me today while I'm at the gym for some advice on how to deal with a sticky situation with his ex-girlfriend. Strange?? Yes just a little since the call came during the middle of the day.. He never calls in the middle of the day..then before we hang up he tells me he just needed my reassurance about how to deal with it. That was nice!

Then he calls me tonight on my way into work to say that he talked to her and she pissed him off plenty.. She's just a really rude and inconsiderate person.. I don't understand why he has such a hard time letting that one go... but whatever. He once again brings up the "us getting married at 28" tonight. He said that its not going to work out.. cause I don't like his favorite football team. Um, excuse me?? Can you really expect someone to like UT that doesn't really like football, goes to a "rival" school, and hates burnt orange?? Yeah, I didn't think so.. I told him I'm sure we could figure out someway to compromise ;-) He agreed.

So I'm dying for a coke right now.. all's I got with me is a debit card though.. machines don't take those.. I have been drinking green tea everynight like it was going out of style.. it's good and all but I'm struggling to keep my eyes open and need some CAFFEINE!! Too early for coffee just yet plus I only have enough milk for my cereal.. :-)

Oh and HE is supposed to call me at 4:30am on his way into work.. he said he likes talking to me on that long drive.. I put a smile on his face. :-) Hey, what are best friends for! :-)

Maybe its not what I sometimes think it is, maybe its just that fact that he makes me feel needed. I enjoy having him as a friend and sharing this bond that we have.. Nice to have someone that you can openly confide in and know that they love you regardless of what you say or do. Unconditional love is what true friendship is all about, and is rare to find.

(Yes, Yes.. I dont want to hear it.. I realize that what Im saying is completely hypocritical since I wont actually go see him...But whats so wrong with a friendship based on communication only??? lol-- for now anyways..)

Women's Intuition??

Okay well, New Years came and went with no Kisses... I did call my best friend to see how his New Years was going and to thank him for my gift. I emailed him earlier that day as well.. We talked briefly and I let him go..The thanking was awkward.. and his your welcome was awkward.. Why is that??

So he called me tonight at work and we did get a chance to catch up.. I had not talked to him all week... He said that he didnt not Kiss anyone for New Years, not that there werent options, he just wasnt feeling it. ( yeah me eithor..lol) Then he told me that he had almost purchased a plane ticket to come spend New Years with me.
I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT!! I KNEW I WAS NOT GOING NUTS WORRYING FOR NOTHING...

OH my goodness.. What would I have done?? Refused to see him???? Be Mortified?? UGH!!! If I had refused to see him, that would have taken care of everything for sure.. but he wouldnt understand why I would do that and that it wasnt him at all..

And this next part is absolutely terrible..the reason he didnt book the flight and surprise me for the weekend.. his uncle passed away. So he had been at the funeral and with family in a small town in south Texas. The death was expected and so he was okay.. which made me quickly Thank God for not allowing that to happen this weekend.. What a scare though... It was terrible the reason that kept him from coming but Im a big believer in signs and that when God is ready for something to happen- it will happen. Just wasnt time for us yet... But how much longer do I really think I can keep him waiting?? We are just friends.. wont he just stop asking and move on..??

I did have a dream last night about my ex. It was a very refreshing dream in some ways but upsetting in others. I was with him in his home and with his family. His family was surrounding me and hugging me.. I could feel how much they loved me.. Then they left and he and I were left alone. We began to talk and at one point.. I dont even know what I was saying but I just screamed everything that I had feared, thought, hurt...and he hugged me and said he was sorry. Then there was apart after that with his fiance and I sitting in a room and I dont know what all happened in that part but I do know that I looked at her and knew that I was glad to not be that girl anymore. When I woke up, I felt like I had finally let another part of my past go...

I felt better all day. Kind of lightly walking on air..just a happy feeling.. when my best friend called I know I just lit up.. I do miss him and care about him a great deal. but as Im learning more about myself and growing.. I need to take things at my own pace.. Hell, it took me a year and 1/2 to dream a productive dream that allowed me to work through some emotions I had been carrying.

To Friends that wonder about me.. Please dont! I got a phone call today with a friend telling me that she is really concerned about me because I have not started dating again, or talking to any guys at all... Do you really think its because I dont want to?? I love to meet new people and get to know people.. I have not had many opportunities for it.. Each day I feel stronger and better, and know that when the time is right- I will meet someone..Im not worried.

I have always had boyfriends, or crushes... This is the longest I have ever been single.. Whats so wrong with it?? Some people actually enjoy being single.. Cant I see what thats like first, before settling down again?? This time in my life is about me, finding myself, figuring out who I am, and what I know I deserve... I do not need to have a man in my life in order to do any of those things.. When the time is right, I will be ready and you will be one of the first to know.

Cant time just slow a little bit to allow me to find myself before that big push back into life???