"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

Do you think its odd that I found myself saying something out loud today that made me feel really guilty??? Like it sounds okay in your head and in your ideas of what is okay and works for you.. but out loud it sounded like something terrible and like you have some major issues...

I did that today and after I said it, I felt myself needing to make excuses for it.. and rationalize why it was really okay.. Sometimes new experiences bring about this kind of uncertainty, right??

Scratch that! Its not uncertainty.. (see there I go again) feeling the need to make excuses and make it sound better than it is.. I dont think thats what it is, its just the wonderings and the unknown.. wishing maybe that I had an 8 ball that would answer some questions for me.. Then I might be able to just chill and go with the flow.

Honestly, the statement that was made had nothing to do with anything.. until I thought about it. Thats when I started to analyze why I was thinking and saying that.. This whole blog has been one big nonstatement about nothing.. gotta love that!

"Never get married in the morning because you don't know who you will meet that night!"

Aww.. Poor Jaime! He called me this morning and was sick as a dog! He thinks he may have a bug.. He didnt go to towrk this morning but went in this afternoon. Ended up coming home early though cause he was throwing up.. I hate throwing up! Its one of the worst feelings in the world.. So I can really sympathize with him.. felt bad for him..

I am really looking forward to having him back in Lubbock with me.. Should be a really fun weekend.. Lots of time together!! Looks like Sunday night we might be going out to a gay club with some friends of mine.. will be a first for both of us! Should be lots of fun!

I read this earlier and it made me smile and think of all the wonderful friends that I have and how lucky I am to have them in my life.. thanks guys!! You have been so amazing and stuck by me through some really rough times.. I appreciate you so much!!

Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you

that you can hear the flutter of their wings...

Alright, another 5 hours to go and Im outta here!! Cannot Wait!!!

Miss me??

No worries.. I havent been blogging lately cause I have been dead tired!! Things are going well though and He will be here in just a few days.. Im so excited! Still trying to figure out what all we will do while he is here..

NEW NEWS is that the guy that lives in my parents rental house.. called and isnt coming back to town. He is getting his pilots license and just going to have movers come and get his stuff.. Sucks cause he has paid through Jan 2007 and that money has been spent.. So now my parents have to come up with it to pay him back and find new renters. They are really wanting me to move in but I just dont know that i can afford it.. Electric bill will probably kill me!! We will see what happens.. My dad is kind of pulling the whole " THIS WOULD REALLY HELP US OUT" bit and I just dont want to get into something that I cannot afford and then have more issues with my parents. So Saturday Im going to try and set up some appointments at some apartments and see what we can look at and then swing by the house and check it out too.. I just want to have him here and get it all settled.. So we can start our lives together.. :-) This long distance sucks!!

I'm going to miss your lips. And everything attached to them.

This morning when he called me, he was telling me how much he enjoyed my email from last night.. he made a comment about someday getting to "make love to me.." Oh my! This comment was kind of out of the blue, very unexpected..but let me just say that it was the most beautiful and sweet words I have ever heard.. it sent tingles from my head to my toes!

"Take time every day to do something silly."

Things are good. Life is good. So why am I having all these crazy ass dreams?? I had a dream a few days ago that Jaime was telling me that since we arent in the same city right now, that it was okay for him to sleep with his Ex Girlfriend. Then today I had a dream that we were hanging out with his friends and they started giving him crap about some internet girl he had slept with..

The 1st dream didnt really phase me, I dont worry about him cheating. I dont worry about him being dishonest or unfaithful at all. The 2nd dream was so damn real that I couldnt remember if he had told me that he had ever dated a person off the internet or not?? I knew that he hadnt slept with anyone but the ex but this dream still had me a bit shaken. I hate that! I know the only reason Im dreaming this crap is because of my friends situation.. her "boyfriend" cheating on her and lying to her about it.. I have been talking to her on the phone several times a day all week and I guess the worries are just creeping into my dreams..

So tonight when we talked on the phone, I told him about my dream and I think he thinks IM INSANE..lol Im very open and honest about things in relationships and would rather know stuff than not know it and hear about it later... Nothing to worry about though, the dream was all in my warped little mind..lol

ONE WEEK TO GO and he will be here.. and now I will leave you with this quote from Sex in the City...

Charlotte: Did you know I read that if you don't have sex for a year, you can actually become re-virginized?
Carrie: And, I would imagine, quite frisky.

QUITE FRISKY doesnt quite cover it..lol

"Find someone who you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. You have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

I got a phone call from a close friend today that was disturbing. She and her on and off again boyfriend for the past 5 years are finally done with. They had plans to move to Austin together and this was going to be happening in the next 2 weeks. He supposedly had given notice at his firm and was on his way... This weekend she happened to find out from his cell phone that he was seeing someone... Tonight when she talked to him he told her that he had changed his mind about everything. He was not in love with her and knew that he didnt want to be with her. He had no plans of moving to Austin to be with her. How can someone do that to someone that they have shared so many years together??? Why must they be so harsh and lie lie lie?? The dumbass still cant figure out how she knew all that she did, um hello!! She has your password on your cell phone- wake up!!! Guess its a good thing for her that she did know that, or the next 2 weeks could have been filled with her dreaming and waiting of them beginning again in Austin.. She took it all really well tonight and left me a short version of it all on my cell.. Gotta call her today and make sure that she's okay. People can be so cruel!! I dont hate anyone but I extremely dispise this guy.. he's a horrible person...

So Jaime and I talked quite a bit this evening and all is well for us.. Im starting to worry about what we are going to have in our apartment.. what the heck is this place going to look like?? I have gotten rid of most of my furniture over the years and so we are definately lacking in that area.. My kitchen stuff is from a phase I went through a few years back and so he will be "happily" using a full Mary Engelbreit "oh so breit" kitchen! lol he emailed me and said that he had a dream that we were painting our kitchen and I had chosen PINK AND GREEN.. lol Think maybe he's worried about what our place is going to look like too?? lol that would be a nightmare..lol

Im getting so excited about having a place together though.. I sure hope that he gets here and is happy. That he can get on with the fire department and loves his job.. I hope that we will be happy together.

I went to my families old house this evening with them to water the grass for the tenant that is out of town.. Im trying to picture Jaime and I living there.. cause thats my dads plan for us in January. The place is way too big for us but we will definately have enough for storage..lol How weird will it be to live there with him after having all my old memories of that place.. I guess we can make all new memories of us there though..

One thing that is plaguing my mind these days is HIS BIRTHDAY! I have always been one in relationships that will max out the card to get whatever that person wants, I tend to go overboard. Cant do that these days though, Im broke. Im broke, and trying to save every penny for our place.. PLUS, I have no idea what to get him.. no where to begin.. Any ideas or suggestions?? I would like to make it something special...

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.

Man, getting burned sure does cause us to react differently in life, doesnt it? I mean, to question what the person that you love is saying and question it out loud?? I realize that he is not the same person as my ex, that he would never do what my ex did to me.. I dont doubt that. But for some reason the words that sound questioning sure do slip out.. He's very reassuring though.. I think he understands why I ask those questions and react the way I do sometimes.. Its a scary thought to have this person that you love so much, they are what you want to spend the rest of your life with, and its hard to really know if that will happen.. I do trust that he is in Gods plan for me.. our whole relationship has been a blessing and God has allowed things to happen in HIS time for us.. So why am I questioning anything now?? This is the man that God has always put in front of me, why cant I just trust that...

We talked on the phone for along time tonight about lots of things.. it was a good conversation but I think at times, I may have had him worried about my feelings.. I dont mean to do that at all!! We talked about marriage for awhile and I cannot help but feeling like my life is off track.. When all your best friends from your childhood are all married and now 2 have kids.. I didnt see myself at the age of 26 not being married and well on my way to start a family.. Not how I saw my life at all. I am happy where Iam though.. I just have to try and hold back the feelings of rushing to get married, and start a family.. My clock is ticking so freaking loud though..lol I know that once he and I get settled here and our jobs are steady and we are comfortable... That things will progress.. patience has always been a fault of mine though.. and I had so much patience with the other one for almost 7 years just to get burned.. But everything in my heart and soul tell me this one will be different! He will be the ONE and when it happens someday it will be just the right time...

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.

I sent him an email last night, that I wished I could have unsent.. I hate when I do things like that.. But its amazing how he picks up on things. I didnt say much, or what was really bothering me, but he was very quick to reassure me of his feelings and intentions.. I love that about him. He doesnt keep me in the dark, doesnt make me have to guess. He just seems to know what I need..

I called him early this evening and left him a message. he had been weighing on my heart all day long and i had to call and tell him that I loved him... Turns out, he had a horrible day! Evidentally, hearing my message did make him feel better.. Isnt that just a great sign? When something so little like that, can bring a smile to your face and change your mood? Im glad that I can do that for him, because he has done that for me many times...

To hear him talk about his day and how hard it had been on him.. just broke my heart. he loves his job and really cares about those kids and knew that he wasnt able to do the best job possible yesterday, and was upset with himself for a few things that were said.. I really hated to hear him be so hard on himself.. We are human! We make mistakes, lose our tempers, say things without thinking.. it happens.. I love that he is very aware when he does these things though, and makes sure not do it again.. Its that important to him.. All I wanted to do in that moment in time, was to hold him.. Hopefully today will be a better day!

What would you say if I took those words away Then you couldnt make things new just by saying I love you.

Oh I forgot to tell you that I did say it.. I told him I loved him. It wasnt the way I had planned in my mind.. it wasnt even close..

There was a bit of drama that lead into it. It was Friday night when we were laying together.. I jokingly asked him if he had been reading this blog.. He said that he had.. WHAT!! WHAT??? He said that the week before memorial weekend- he read 2 of my entries cause he was having some doubts about my feelings. I freaked out!! What did you read? Why did you read them?? What did they say?? Why were you having doubts??

Then he dropped a bomb of a statement on me. He said he was having thoughts of ending this. At that point, I felt as if someone had just punched me in the stomach and knocked the breath out of me. If I had had a car, I would have gotten my keys and ran... I was just shaking and felt as though he had just slapped me.. I was so stunned and had a few tears well up but held that shit back.. I was pissed that I had trusted him not to read my blog, but I was more pissed that he didnt talk to me about his feelings, that he was just going to up and end this before we even got started, that he would do what he promised he would never do to me- lie and break my heart. Why did I get to this comfortable point with him, why did I let myself fall in love with him, get so attached?? Why did he let me!!!

He holds me and apologizes.. he told me that he was just worried that I wasnt feeling the same and that he needed to know.. so he read 2 of my blogs and whatever they said reassured him of my feelings.. then we had an amazing weekend when he came to visit and he now has no more doubts about us. Ya know, thats fine and dandy but Im still stuck on the fact that he was thinking of ending this.. I sat there and wiped the damn tear that started to flow.. and told him that I couldnt do that.. I couldnt go through that again.. I cant be in the dark and not have a clue what he was thinking and be surprised when it suddenly ends.. I honestly dont think I could do it again!! I shouldnt have to!
After talking about it for a while, he did make me feel better... but damn if that wont bother me for a while.. the sound of those words still ringing in my head. I told him that when I feel like he just pushed me 2 steps backwards... In the end, when he was holding me and told me that he loved me and kissed my forehead- I said it back. His eyes lit up and he smiled. Hell, I had been wanting to say it.. If I had said it before maybe this wouldnt have happened... I hope I never have to revisit this again.. it was horrible!! I was terrified and honestly dont know what I would do...

So I love him, He loves me.. We are very happy.. will soon be together.. So what is it about the conversation earlier with him that has me wondering???

He felt now that he was not simply close to her, but that he did not know where he ended and she began. ~Leo Tolstoy

Okay so I talked to him this evening for a little bit when I got to work.. He seems happy but tired.. I dont know if its that or if we are just starting to get more comfortable with things.. But his excitement seems lost. Maybe Im just imagining it or maybe the realization of how much will change in the next 2 months is setting in with him.. Okay- I will stop being paranoid now.. Just thoughts running through my head tonight.

Let me now share with you how my weekend went..It was amazing!

I drove with a friend down and we met her husband at his apartment.. Waited for Jaime to get there- he got off work a little late..and its quite a drive.. The 4 of us went to dinner together... Seeing him walk in the door though was so great though.. I love that feeling each time we see eachother..and feeling his arms wrap around me! It just feels like "home." Dinner was great, had a very full glass of wine before hand at the house, and then a margarita there.. The drive back to his house was a long one though.. I was tired as hell since I had not slept since the morning before.

We got to his house and got changed into our pj's.. we drank some wine and were just hanging out.. I noticed that his painting had changed. Did I ever tell you about that painting?? Let me back up for a second.. A few years back, he bought a canvas and wrote the lyrics to a Pearl Jam song on there, "black". Then he painted the canvas completely black. Well its a really nice focal point in his room and for some reason is really beautiful to look at without even knowing the meaning behind it. So Im looking at it and it has changed.

It now has a beautiful star in blue in the bottom left corner. I asked him, when did you do that?? He told me that was the surprise that he told me about. I sat there, my heart pounding and thought about those lyrics... I couldnt move, I know it sounds dumb-- but I was just breathless for that moment. It was so sweet. The lyrics at the end of the song say:

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,

I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky,

but why Why, why can't it be, why can't it be mine.

So he told me that he did that cause I am in the star in his sky.. Awwww! It was very sweet and like I said, just made me speechless.. We then had a long night of kissing and holding eachother.. NO SLEEP TO BE HAD..lol

The next morning, we both finally dozed off and I felt him get up.. he said he would be back.. I just slept. He came in a little later and asked if I was ready to get up yet.. I told him I needed 30 more minutes! :-) I was tired!! He told me when i woke up, to come down stairs.. So I finally drag my ass out of bed and went down stairs to be greeted by his parents and Jaime gave me a dozen red and pink roses! They were beautiful!! His mom then cut them and placed them in a vase for me.. Awww! I dont think I will ever stop loving to get flowers from him.. He was busy making me homemade blueberry pancakes!! Which were absolutely delicious!! Really, what cant this guy do?? He's just so damn good!

We got showered and headed out.. we stopped at a gas station and I noticed a tree with pretty blossoms on it.. He picked one for me. it was Lavender.. Smelled heavenly! We ended up talking so much on the way, that he missed his turn.. So we had to back track some.. When I saw the sign for Fredricksburg- I squeezed his hand tightly and asked him if thats where we were going!!! and he said yes!! This was JUST what I wanted.. A weekend alone with him in a romantic place.. I was so excited!!

We get there and of course had to go and pay for the place we were staying.. I really didnt understand why we had to go into town and find a shop to go into.. Kind of had me worried..lol We got lost doing this too.. I found it kind of funny though.. He's just so damn cute when he gets frustrated.. Then we are on our way to the place we will be staying.. We drove away from the hotels and all that.. and into a neighborhood.. All Im thinking is, where the hell is he taking me?? We passed all the hotels already? Surely there is not a hotel in the middle of a neighborhood?? We got a bit turned around and lost finding this place too.. the directions were shotty and so it made it a little difficult and he wouldnt let me look at the information cause I guess there was a picture of the place on it.

Finally after driving back and forth for awhile, we found it! We pull up at these peoples home and I was like.. Um?? What are we doing?

He says this is it.. We are staying in the guest house out back.. So we get out and grab all out stuff. I swear I packed for one too many days.. Big Surprise! So we walk over to this cute little short gate on the side of the house and there was a precious little house!! There was a cute little paved walk way and a little garden and fish pond and our place for the night! It was just adorable!! We walked inside and there was French music playing.. the entire place was decorated in a PARIS theme (which is where we talk about going all the time..) It was PERFECT!!! Cute living area, kitchen, bed, and a huge jacuzzi tub in the bathroom. I was a bit overwhelmed at how thoughtful he had been, and was wondering how much something like this would cost?? Sheesh!! But it was very romantic and honestly the sweetest and nicest thing I have ever had anyone do for me.. There is a picture of it above. So CUTE!!

So we dropped off our stuff and headed out.. He told me that I just needed to be okay with what we were about to do.. Um, yeah, well I dont do well with surprises and he wouldnt tell me anything.. Grrr! We got lost once again.. Im loving it at this point, just funny as hell! We finally find where we are going and this just shows how much he pays attention to me.. We pull up at the headquarters for JAMES AVERY JEWELRY. That is all I wear.. lol The place was beautiful! We had missed the times for seeing them make jewelry and stuff but he took me into the store.. He told me that I needed to pick something out. Excuse me?? I am not that kind of person.. at all! Most girls could have had a field day with that, but not me. So Im walking around trying to think of the cheapest thing I can find.. Of course I have a ton of stuff that I would love to have, but I wish that he would have given me an idea of what he wanted to buy?? It could have been something special to remind me of us.. or something..lol I was just lost!! So then I come up with this great idea to get me out of this.. I used to have a pendant that was the Dogwood Blossom. Well it has been discontinued for years now and mine got stolen. LIGHT BULB GOES OFF! I told him that I knew something that I wanted but did not see it in the display.. if they had it great, but if they didnt- I needed him to be okay with us leaving without anything. He agreed. So we go up to the counter and ask about it, they go to all the trouble of trying to find it and then realize that its been discontinued and asked if we would like to special order it. AT THE SAME TIME- WE BOTH ANSWERED. I said NO, and HE said YES. needless to say, he ordered it for me and I will be getting it in about 6 weeks. I told him on the way back how much I appreciate all that he does for me, how special he makes me feel, and how thoughtful everything is that he does.. but that its not necessary! Im not that kind of girl that has to have things bought for me and money spent on me.. it just embarresses me.. I know he cares and thats all I need.. I did tell him about my little plan and that I was pissed that it backfired .lol

Then we headed home to change for dinner and hang out for a bit. He called a little italian restaurant we had seen and made reservations for dinner. What a joke!! We showed up at the restaurant and everyone in there was local and in their grubbys..lol We laughed cause he was all worried about walking in with flip flops on! No worries bud!! The food was amazing! We were both starving since we had not eaten since breakfast.. Afterwards, we picked up a bottle of wine and headed home.. ran into the owners on the way in and all I kept thinking is "these people are looking at us and thinking that we are going to have sex in their guesthouse tonight..." oh gosh!!

We got changed and drank wine, watched "EVER AFTER"- he had never seen it before.. We rummaged through the games they had there and found one that was a couples game.. We read through a few of the cards and realized that it was a little bit more experienced than we were just yet..lol (next time maybe..)

We played a mean game of tic tac toe, and tied over and over.. then moved on to checkers where I, by my 3rd moved, had screwed myself and gave up. I know it doesnt sound like much fun, but it was the greatest time.. Just spending time together doing nothing in our little LE CHALET. It was so romantic and comfortable! We did not sleep that night hardly at all! Too busy doing other things... which was wonderful as well! Finally started to feel like my old self again.. the FUN MELISSA is back! :-)

We got up the next morning about 30 minutes before we had to be out.. So we were scrambling to get packed, dressed, and eat our breakfast. Never did get to try out the tub- would have been too much fun!! While I was showering, he got breakfast all laid out.. It was so cute! They had a ham quiche for us, fruit bowls, banana nut bread, juice, etc.. very very good food! Then we had to say goodbye to our little place... They are selling their home, so most likely we wont be able to come back to our LE CHALET again.. Would have been nice to go back next year, kind of a tradition for us! Took a few pictures and said goodbye!

We went downtown and had a drink at a little outdoor restaurant, listened to some horrible man try to sing, it was humorous! We walked around to all the shops and just hung out.. It was a nice day out, not quite as hot as it had been.. nice being together.. I loved it! Then we got back on the road.. We visited several of the winerys on our way of town.. they were beautiful!! We did some tastings and took some pictures.. It was such a good time!! We stopped at a road side stand and bought a bucket of peaches... (never did eat them though..) and then we stopped at a place that grows lavender. Neat places to see and took some more pictures there... the last winery, we actually got a full glass of wine (mine tasted horrible though) and sat on the back patio area.. I cannot explain how happy I am when I am with him.. it was the best time!

We got back into town and headed to church.. didnt make it to the normal church that he attends but he took me to his old church from when he was younger. Turns out that service was a Spanish service though, so we just went inside and prayed together and left. I love being next to the one you love while they are praying.. I glanced over at him and he just looked so beautiful and humble... I am so lucky to have such a great man in my life. We went and ate at his families favorite Chinese Restaurant. it was so good!! This was his first time to go there in his whole life, without his parents. I was his first! lol Then he took me to his old neighborhood, to see his old house.. He was telling me all about his neighbors, friends, stories from back then.. I loved it!

We got to his house and his dad came up to me on the stairs and said that he just needed to hug me! He did and then he cupped my face in his hands and just stared at me.. Dont know what that was all about, but it was very sweet! We hung out with his parents for alittle bit, I got to see pictures of him growing up and hear some funny stories.. I love that they are sharing this with me.. I feel very comfortable around them... We took some funny pictures out on the balcony with the sunset and also lying in bed.. we are trying to get a good picture of us together-- hasnt happened yet.. One person always looks good and the other is making a weird face or something..

Then we watched "FUN WITH DICK AND JANE." dont recommend it! We didnt actually watch the last 30 minutes though, we were busy.. um, we were busy all night long... just cant seem to keep our hands and lips off eachother.. at one point late in the night, he took his telescope outside on the balcony and showed me the MOON, and JUPITER.. how beautiful! I have never seen them before, not like this.. He had to get up and get ready for work at 7am.. saying goodbye to him was so hard.. I hate it! I jumped in the shower as he was leaving, and well hell!! that boy is good... I locked both the doors to the bathroom.. and he sure did find a way in there.. there I stand butt ass naked in the shower with soap all over my face and I hear his voice... tad bit embarressing!!! But what a way to say goodbye..lol I must say that being in front of him- I feel completely comfortable. The look in his eyes makes me feel like the most beautiful person in the world.. So he left, I got ready, my ride is running late.. turns out his mom has the day off-- got to hang out and talk with her for a while.. that was nice.. big hug goodbye and then I was on the road to come home.. The most amazing weekend of my life! All the weekends I have spent with him I end up saying that, but this really topped them all!

Say I love you and mean it, dont just say it cause you can.

"Do you ever put your arms out and just spin and spin and spin?

Well, that's what love is like.

Everything inside of you tells you

to stop before you fall, but you just keep going."

So he just sent me an email and was saying that he wouldnt look at this blog again.. I told him that maybe next time we are together, we can look and he can show me what 2 blogs he read.. So I can see just how mortified I should be feeling.. He said that he thought that a good idea, and that he wants me to feel better about this. Hmm.. we will see...

Im so tired.. and wish more than anything that I could be in his arms right now.. I cannot even tell you the comfort I feel when Im laying with him with his arms are wrapped around me. I have never felt that sense of comfort and security.. He just has this very protective presence that makes me feel completely comfortable... no worries when Im with him...

I just dont know..

I guess my blogging days may be coming to an end. I found out this weekend that he has looked at this blog and read 2 entries.. dont know which ones but damn thats mortifying! This is my personal space, may area to be open and honest and lay it all out there so that I can get it off my mind.. helps me to clear my thoughts..ya know?? Despite my best efforts to change the title, address, and my screenname on here, he found it! I dont understand how!!

So I was going to write a nice post about all that happened this weekend but am just not comfortable doing it. I will tell you that I did TELL HIM THAT I LOVED HIM! and on that note.. Im going to stay busy with something else here at work tonight.. Sucks that I can blog all about my weekend.. It was amazing!! So JAIME IF YOU ARE READING THIS- STOP!!!!

Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.

Did you ever see that movie, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton? Yeah I realize that I was one of 5 that probably did.. but in my defense I watched it on HBO when I was sick one night.. nothing else was on.

There was a line in the movie that I wanted to share... The guy thats in love with the girl.. says about her! Its just splendid!

You have six smiles. One when something just flat out makes you laugh. One when you are laughing out of politeness. One when you are making plans. One when you make fun of yourself. One when you are talking about your friends. And One when you are looking at me.

My words are the kisses I wish I’d said, but they say kisses don’t last, and words are never dead.”

So I have less than 24 hours till I will see him!! I am so excited!!

The past 2 weeks have been the longest 2 weeks ever!!!

Im hoping that this weekend I can go ahead and

say what I have been wanting to say for a long time..

Lets get personal for a second... remember I blogged the other day about using that bikini line cream and being a bit un even in that area these days.. Well its all grown back and so my job in the morning is to fix that shit!! Hell with the way it looks, the only way to salvage it would be to go CLEAN SHAVIN' so I guess thats what Im going to do.. lol Something very sensuous about how tender and soft it is when you do go BALD EAGLE down below..lol

The thoughts that have run through my mind about this weekend, no I wont be shareing them here.. but damn... I sure have had some good day dreams! What is it about me that physically has so many desires and wants to play... but emotionally is not willing to explore those boundaries yet... Im still trying to figure out what my boundaries are for this weekend.. Gotta give myself limits.. and try to stay away from any alcohol.. lol

One thing that has happened in the past 2 weeks that will make it easier for me to SHY away from him.. I think I have managed to pack on a few extra pounds in my midsection very quickly.. Im looking bloated and huge all around! I dont want to be that girl that wont keep the lights on, that wont let you see her.. I want to be that girl that is proud of every curve, every angle, and willing to allow him to see the real me... I got to a point in my last relationship where I was so disgusted with my appearance that intimate moments were very uncomfortable and made me feel bad unless the lights were out.. I dont want to be that girl again.. I want to be able to stand in front of him wearing what ever I want and know that he thinks Im beautiful, every inch of me. :-)

So the jury is still out on what this weekend holds for me.. I must admit that I am horny as hell.. With my luck, I will probably start this weekend just to throw things off course.. lol (okay enough of the personal stuff..)

He called me this morning at work before I left.. I miss the sound of his voice first thing in the morning.. That sleepy tone, the sleepy eyes, the wandering hands.. We spoke again tonight before I came into work and he is all sorts of excited about seeing me! Im saddened by the fact that time always goes so quickly when we are together and it will be Monday before I know it.. and I will be returning home. We dont have plans to see eachother again till June 30th! thats 3 weeks away.. going to be pure hell! But I guess I do have alot to get done in the next 3 weeks that will keep me busy and my mind off of him. If he wasnt so wonderful, beautiful, so perfect.. I wonder if I would miss him so much. I get his emails with a new love poem each morning and they just make my heart LEAP! lol How different will our lives be when he is finally here with me?? I wonder how quickly the newness will fade??

I know one thing for sure.. When July gets here.. I will be in the damn gym daily! No excuses!! I gotta get this body whipped into some shape and stick with it! Only bad thing is that we are getting a GOOD restaurant here thats one of my favorites- PEI WEI.. going to have to resist!!!

This will be my last blog till Monday I guess... So I will have to fill you in then on where we go and what we do.. I bet you just cant stand the suspense!! lol

~~Sweet November~~

"I surrender all attempts to control life, yours or mine.

I live for one thing, to make you happy;

to live firmly and joyously in the moment.

November is all I know, and all I ever want to know."

As depressing as this movie was.. I have seen it tons of times! Just a sweet thought that someone would care that much about you to change your life and make you happier-- and in the end it ended up changing both your lives forever.. really sweet!!

Didnt get to talk to him much tonight.. I was spending some time with a friend tonight.. Felt like it had been along time since we had gotten to just hang out together.. Had dinner (Chinese!!) and got the craving out of my system finally. Then we ran around shopping for a bit, while I spent money that I didnt have.. It was nice though.

He called me when I got to work tonight and we talked for just a little bit. It was a good conversation though.. lots of warmth and feeling. I miss him! The ride to see him on Friday will probably be very emotional and irritating.. but as soon as my feet touch the ground when i open that door-- I will run to him and hug and kiss him and it will all feel so much better!

Maybe sharing my feelings and frustrations with others is not such a good thing. Maybe I should just keep them locked away.. Wonder if that is what it will take to make people happier with me, to think that I dont have any worries, fears, that everything is always fine. Emotionless..

Her lips on his could tell him better than all her stumbling words.

He keeps on sending me these wonderful messages.. I read them and I can just feel my whole body's response.. Why cant I seem to express myself the same way?? How can he do this with such ease and no worries and Im scared to death to touch him??? I told him the other night that I am ready to be myself again.. Im ready to be that aggressive girl that goes after what she wants in her relationships, that is very affectionate, very expressive with her feelings.. I cannot seem to find that girl!!! He said that he would like to see her also.. I feel so horrible that I cannot be myself.. I wonder if, with all that happened in my last relationship, if that person is gone forever? Am I forever changed??

So here are 2 more messages that he sent to me.. Tell me that he isnt the most wonderful guy in the world??

how I feel for you

Sure Proof Norman MacCraig

I can nomore describe you than I can put a thing for the first time where it already is. If I could make a ladder of light or comb the hair of a dream girl with a real comb or pour a table into a jug..... I'm not good at impossible things. And that is why I'm sure I will love you for my ever.

MISS YOU!!! Love, Jaime

And then here is another one...

It all started here for us.

In May, the magic month of May, when all the buds were breaking, Oh then within my heart The fire of love awakened. In May, the magic month of May, When the birds were merry-making, Oh then I told my darling Of how my heart was aching.

Let me tell you why I love sending you these poems. It's because they helps explain how I feel for you and always have. The greatest part is knowing that they make you happy and put a smile on your beautiful face. You are a great Woman that deserves to be happy and I want to be that man. Miss You!!!
Love you, Jaime

So how in the hell do I respond to all of that?? What is the right way to let him know that I feel the same and cherish all that he does for me? I need to know!!

He called me tonight and asked for a friend of mines phone number.. He wanted to call her and ask her opinion about something.. about a surprise for me. All she will tell me is that I need to not be drinking this weekend while we are away for the weekend together..

Im thinking- I hate surprises! I mean, I dont hate them but I hate not having control, not knowing the plan, being prepared.. Im not used to this in relationships.. never had this before.. Im thinking I will need alcohol.. but she really thinks that would be a bad bad decision...

What in the hell could he have planned??? I just wanted a weekend to spend time together, lay down and take naps together, talk, stare at eachother, kiss and hold eachother.. Why do we have to do anything more than that??

I need to start thinking now of what I can do for his Birthday next month. I need to do something super special for him.. I need ideas!!!

Here's a little glimpse of how wonderful he is to me.. You ready??

He sent me this email tonight and I just had to share.. How sweet is he??

hey babe-
Just thought I would leave you a message; know how much you love them.

The First Day Christina Rossetti

I wish I could remember the first day, First hour, first moment of your meeting me; If bright or dim the season, it might be Summer or winter for aught I can say. So unrecorded did it slip away, So blind was I to see and to forsee, So dull to mark the budding of my tree That would not blossomyet for many a May. If onlyI could recollect it! Such A day of days! I let it come and go As traceless as a thaw of bygone snow. It seemed to mean solittle, meant so much! If only now I couldrecall that touch, First touch of hand in hand!-Did one but know!

I know i have sent this one to you before, but now it means so much more. I never would have thought the first time I met you 12 years ago; that I one day would get to wake up to your Beautiful face. I MISS YOU and want you to know truly do Love you with all of my heart. Thank you for letting me be part of you life.
Love , Jaime

Is he too good to be true or what???

Girls are Retarded..

he called at about 4:30am. I feel so retarded for having even been weird about all that.. I didnt say anything to him about it.. he was out with friends.. then he and L hung out and talked about "us".. He wants me to call him when I leave work... He misses and loves me.. AH!

Every time the phone rings..

Damn, everytime the phone rings I get all excited and then it quickly dies when I see the number is not his..lol How retarded am I?? Pretty damn retarded at this point. Dont cha know that you shouldnt mess with someone who works nights.. we are out of our freaking minds!! :-)

Its 3:45 am- do you know where your boyfriend is?

Well I guess I have it bad.. cause Im just a tad bit irritated tonight. I talked to him earier this morning and it was so wonderful- as usual. Then tonight he called while I was out at a birthday..we talked briefly and then he let me go.. He got off work tonight and he and bunch of friends were going to go out. Last thing he said was that he would call me when he was on his way home...

Um, without sounding nuts- Its now 3:45am and he hasnt called.. I was kind of thinking that he would have called by now?? or at least sent a text message.. That would be a negative for both. I was really happy that he was getting to go out with his friends and have a good time.. its been a long while since he has done that, but damn.. I was really looking forward to that phone call. So the girl tendency has kicked in and is rearing its ugly head. I hate that.. but thats how we are programmed I guess.

SO..He is either still out having a great time.. or went to bed and fell asleep. Those are the only 2 choices that Im thinking of right now.. not going to let my imagination get the better of me and start worrying about petty things...lol Why when they say they will call- cant they just actually call??? Would save all of us alot of time and brain power..lol

More Than Words..

"We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them.

We say we love trees, yet we cut them down.

And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved.”

May I please get an AMEN to that!!! This is where I am coming from and I sure hope that when he says that He loves me.. that he understands the silence and the grin on my face...and then the "I miss you and goodbye" that I say to him. I hope that he can hear it in my voice and in my words that I do love him... but can just be patient for now.

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!-Charles M. Schulz

So I get a call from him at 6 :15 am this morning here at work.. He had woken up early to call me. (how sweet!) We talked for a bit and he was really going on and on about wanting to be with me as soon as possible and get our place and get settled. He wants me to get out there and start looking.. He doesnt care where we live, he trusts my "judgment". Whatever that means.. lol

He is right though when he says that it is incredibly hard to say goodbye each time we have to hang up.. its horrible. But just one more week and we will be together again. Im so excited!

I called him this evening when I was leaving my friends house and had drank 2 glasses of wine.. we talked for a bit and of course this conversation got a bit flirty..Fun though.. I feel like such a tease. Then when I was about to come into work, we talked again... he told me that he loved me so many times today and it just sounds so wonderful to hear. He called me again here at work and we talked for a long while.. He said that he made our reservations for this upcoming weekend.. I still have no idea what he has planned. I did tell him that I wished he would just let me come up and we could spend the weekend watching movies and spending time together.. We dont have to always be doing something, ya know? But he insisted that he wanted to go away that weekend.. After all the questioning of what we could be doing, and no answers.. Im thinking that we arent spending time with his friends anymore, kind of makes me sad. I would like to get to meet these people?? Also, I guess that the swim suit issue has been resolved as well.. he didnt mention it anymore. Dont know if he is upset with me about this or not?? Im kind of hoping that he is taking me somewhere just nice and relaxing like Fredricksburg or something. I have mentioned to him several times how romantic that place is and how I have always wanted to go and spend the weekend there.. Maybe he and I will get to do that sometime when we move there.. (in a few years..) Just would be a nice romantic getaway... I have been waiting for that for years.. So we will see where we end up..
I must admit that I am a bit nervous about that weekend though. I know I will be telling him that I love him. I know that will make him happy... I just hope that this is all real- that is all really happening.. that Im not jumping into something that I am not fully ready for.
Another worry is that as far as the physical part of our relationship.. I have been very very shy. We have done nothing so far and thats all my doing. Believe me when I say that its not that I dont want to do things with him, I just honestly dont trust myself with him. I have some deep seeded desires and would love to act on them-- but not now.. I keep holding back and the last few times we have spent time together, he has made sure that no alcohol has been involved.. lol I guess he could tell that with a little alcohol in me, that I do get a little more comfortable.. Im not sure what I am ready for but doesnt it seem like this is all going so fast?? I just dont want to do anything I will regret or get to a point where our relationship is more physical than anything else. I wonder what I would be okay to do with him that I wouldnt lose all sense of control and just jump on top of him.. lol I dont have a high tolerance for sexual frustration, especially with someone that Im in love with.. tend to go with my emotions and physiological responses at that point.. lol
I need to just stop worrying... Think thats possible??

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” - Dr. Suess

Why is it that when all is well in the world- something always happens to snap you out of it?? Tonight I was playing on myspace.com and looking through one of my oldest friends page.. saw a person on there that I didnt in a million years expect to see.. My EX's girlfriend (fiance). How in the world did they end up friends?? How do they know eachother?? I wonder if he has put 2 and 2 together and realizes that she is marrying my EX.. he and my EX were never close but thats just weird??

Then curiousity got the best of me, and I couldnt resist looking at her site and my EX's site. Why do I do things like that?? Anyways there wasnt anything too exciting.. evidentally they fight alot? from what comments and stuff, it seems like that.. who knows.. But I was surprised to hear how he proposed.. it was doing something that he hates... lol Guess alot changes when you get with someone new.. just weird..

Thinking about him now, I feel like that was a lifetime ago.. cant help but feel that I got the best years out of him though and that Im better off where I am now.

Jaime sent me a sweet text message this evening and totally made my night! I love to hear his voicemails, read his text messages, his emails, and his voice on the phone.. my very favorite is when he is right in front of me. I cannot begin to describe how wonderful he smells and how even just being next to him makes my whole world happier!

I did talk to him on my way into work tonight and he was all sorts of feisty! lol It was funny but definately caught my tired ass off guard. lol

I noticed on his myspace page tonight though that the comments had been deleted. There was only the one from SH. I asked him why he deleted it.. and he said that he was just getting rid of it to make more space or something? I told him that he didnt have to delete those.. they are supposed to stay on there..lol I kind of think he did it cause he thinks it bothered me.. It didnt really bother me at all.. Funny thing is, she posted yet another one tonight! lol She said something like "Jaimelito,where are you??" What is her deal??lol
Dumb Girl..

So the more I start thinking of our future together, the more excited I get.. I really am trying to hold back my excitement until something really happens but damn its hard.. I look forward to waking up next to him, spending time with him, having him close to me.. everyday! I think that he may be a little nervous even though he acts like he has no worries.. I brought up the idea that I may start looking for apartments and rental houses and he just got quiet. We have to find something before school starts back and I need to get moved before I start teaching.. will be a huge pain in the ass otherwise.. He has got to find a job here first.. but cant hurt to start looking already..

He asked if I would consider a 1 bedroom now since my parents are cool with things.. I told him that where I live.. its the same price for a 2 bedroom! I would rather have an extra room.. I think its important to be able to have some space.. I have too much crap! We would still sleep in the same room but could have a room for an office/spare bedroom kind of a thing.. I know it will all work out.. trying to not jump the gun but dont want to miss out on a good deal either. I sure hope this all really happens.

He told me last night before I came into work that he would be going to straight to bed and calling me before I leave work this morning.. that only makes my night go slower- I swear. I cant wait to talk to him again.. He keeps saying how much he loves me.. as much as I love to hear it, its just a bit unsettling since Im not saying it back yet. I feel it, I truly do.. but just dont want the first time I say it to be over the phone, ya know?

Oh and we had a weird talk earlier about waiting till marriage again.. he said that the way he see's it.. We are both saving ourselves for eachother.. We each only had one- and that one and one cancel eachother out?? lol Um, okay.. sounds good to me I guess.

I found this quote on my EX's Fiance's page and stole it cause i liked it.. I knew she would be useful at some point..lol

The best things in life are unseen..

That is why we close our eyes to cry, pray, and kiss.

If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever?-Casper

I get home this morning and Im feeling a bit worried still about how things went last night... I did email him and told him how I was feeling and was hoping that he would call me tonight with some better news..

Surprise! He called me the moment I walked in the door.. I answered and he told me that he had talked to his dad this morning and that his parents had talked about it all last night and came to an understanding of where my parents were coming from and realized that it was probably taken out of context. blah blah. They are fine.. Things are going to be okay..

This is what he is telling me. My heart honestly feels so relieved to hear this but part of me is not believing the words coming out of his mouth.. It was forced or something- like when you are trying to help someone feel better about something thats not fixed?? Then he said that he did read my emails and hoped this all made me feel better.. BINGO!

I let it go.. I just was so glad to hear his voice and that he was okay with things.. We will somehow find a way to make it better eventually.. for now I was ready for bed- knowing that he wasnt upset anymore, I knew I could finally get some sleep.

This evening he calls me and says that he talked to his mom too and that she had told him the same things.. He told her how worried I was about it all.. And she said that I had nothing to worry about.. Things are fine.

Do I believe this? Did these conversations really happen?? Or is he just trying to calm me down?? I know he realizes how important this is to me, and it is to him as well... but I just want to know the truth.. not a 1/2 truth. So for now, Im just going to believe him, and move forward.

I told him that I had spoke to a friend today about the whole swim suit thing.. and that I needed to know if this would be in a public place.. He said YES. I said okay, well will it be with your friends? He said 2 of them. I expressed to him the level of stress that I would be feeling and that I would be extremely uncomfortable in that situation. I hoped that he would understand.

When we talked before I came into work- he said that he changed the plans around some. I would still need to bring a swim suit but that it wouldnt be the same circumstances.. NOW I FEEL BAD.. he was so excited before and here I go complaining and making him change his plans cause I have issues. What is wrong with me?? I mean really.. Shouldnt I just be happy that he loves me, treats me wonderful, thinks Im beautiful.. and just go and do what he had originally planned?? Stop bitching and just enjoy our time together?? I feel like a real pain in the ass.. sucks!!! So we will see what that weekend will hold for me.. Im hoping that we do have a great time doing whatever he has planned and that I wont have a bad attitude or a complex cause of how I look.. Just be happy and comfortable already!! Dammit!

He was saying the most beautiful and wonderful things to me on the phone tonight.. It always really catches me off guard though.. He was giving me a little crap about the whole... ME TOO response to his I Love You.. He said that he cant wait till I feel comfortable enough to say it.. He knows that I do, but wants to hear it.. Im such a chicken shit!! REALLY!!

I sure hope that I can somehow manage to chill out some.. stop with the putting my guard up constantly.. let him know how I feel.. and even let the poor guy get beyond rubbing my stomach already..lol

My new nickname is PRUDE!! Who'd have ever thought that?? I used to be the Samantha (Sex in the City) of my group of friends.. daring and dirty in the bedroom.. Always had a story to share.. and new ideas to contribute! These days, I barely let the guy hold my hand.. What is up with me?? Cause I know Im needing a BIT more....Hell ALOT MORE!!!