Smashing Pumpkins...

Ever been right where you want to be and happy to be there.. Then you realize its that very place that you don't need to be and you cant get out there quick enough.. I was faced with that and wow did it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Why is it that we can never truly see whats good for us?? I mean, we can look at friends and their situations and see whats wrong and how to fix it but cant seem to do the same for ourselves. I think we trick ourselves into thinking we are fine and in reality we still have a lot of work to do..

When I drove away from my house tonight- I noticed that the pumpkins I had carved for Halloween had been thrown in the street and smashed.. For one small second- I really felt like that.. I felt like something that others had put such hardwork in and then I let it all get smashed.. Then I got pissed cause its not even Halloween for goodness sake? At least wait till tomorrow night! Dammit, I worked hard on those and now hey are just smashed all over the street? And WHO DOES THAT?? Who comes up to your Front door, with you sitting at the kitchen table, and steals your pumpkins?? That put a very uneasy feeling inside me, kind of scary.. I realize in the big picture of this- its not a big deal and lots of kids do this- but to a young 20 something girl thats a bit scary to think that a person was outside the window right behind me!

So back to my crappy job of overanalyzing and symbolic rambling.. I feel like that pumpkin that has been smashed.. on the inside and outside..You grown, have a purpose, get picked- are loved and cherished and decorated- then thrown into the street with the on coming traffic to be smashed into pieces.. So then you get to start all over.. I think right now Im at the I know I have a purpose stage.. just waiting to get picked and to start again.. Happy Freaking Halloween Everyone! I hope your pumpkins made it farther than mine..

PS: I did talk to my best friend the other night and he was out and so was I. He said that he had been struggling all day long and had been really upset.. I told him that I wished I could be there with him and just give him a big hug and hold him.. I honestly wish that I could have been there with him than anywhere else in the world..

Drunk Dialing...

Alright so the best friend that I have mentioned before.. well he and the girl he is "in love" with- have broken up yet again.. I wish she would just leave him alone and let him move on.. So since they have broken up he and I are talking more regularly again and its been nice. Except for the fact that he's so down.. I wish I could be there for him.. We have not seen eachother in 5 years!

So the other night- he tells me that he will be in Dallas the 2nd weekend in November.. He wants me to come join him and some friends..That was so nice of him to ask but even if I could go- I wouldnt. How dumb is it that I dont want to see my best friend?? I dont want to see him till i lose some weight, till I feel pretty enough.. Even though I would rather have him as a best friend than anything else in the world- Why should I care what I look like?? Why does that matter?? I wonder what that says about me..What if that weight doesnt ever come off, and I never feel pretty enough.. So I just will never see him again??

Last night (Wednesday) or shall I say this morning at 3:30am I took some medicine and it knocked me out.. I had to be up at 7am and when I woke up- I was wide eyed!!! I had some really realistic dreams about sleeping with him!!! Now normally, I would give advice that sex does not have to mean you want to have sex with that person- but rather that you feel you have a strong emotional connection. But in this instance- I think I was dreaming about wanting to have sex with him.. It actually makes me laugh to type that..lol

What if Im single forever because I never took a chance on what could be?? What if HE is where Im supposed to be??

So he Drunk Dials me tonight and he is just hurting so bad..She has him questioning himself and his worth.. I hate her for that..He bothered to share his whole self with her, and gave her his love and she ran!!! Now he is in a place that he's never been before and I cant help him.. I hate myself for that.. If I would stop being selffish- I would have already been on a plane there for the weekend to help cheer him up!

Our situation reminds me so much of the movie" My Best Friends Wedding". When they are talking and he says that she's always been the woman in his life.. and then they slow dance to their song.. and he says when you love someone you say it, right then and there.. otherwise the moment just passes you by... Maybe Im just waiting for the moment to pass me by...

Halloween..For Singles?

So Halloween is coming up..I received an invite to a party on the 29th..Costumes are required. Okay cool, Im up for that! But when I looked at the online site to see who all is going.. Um, Im a little lacking.. Everyone that has RSVP'd so far is eithor married, engaged, or dating someone..I am the only single person attending so far. Not that I mind hanging with all my coupled friends but Im wondering if anyone else will be coming?? Some of the couples I have spoken to are dressing as couples for the event...Ah, thats cute but I dont have a couple.. Of all the holidays that single people have to worry about getting through- this was the last one that I thought would pose a problem.

Before my break up a year ago- I never knew what it was like to not have a date for things, never knew what it was like to be the single one attending.. This will be my first real in my face experience of being SINGLE in a world of couples..

So yesterday I was looking for costumes and found some really great ones. One was a 50's Flapper, so cute! Then I found a Naughty little red riding hood.. Hey, thats what Halloween is about right? Dressing up as something you normally wouldnt.. I can pull off sexy for one night, right?? Then I lost my enthusiasm as I saw the RSVP list.. Why do I want to be dressed all sexy for Couples?? Any suggestions would be great at this point.. I need a costume pretty quick here.. ONLY a week till the party! Im really hoping that the "couples" will invite some singles too!

The realization has hit...and it kind of sucks..Sometimes Singles Just Dont Fit It In..

Songs..

So when you get in your car and turn the radio on... Do certain songs make you almost swurve off the road trying to change the station, stop the song, stop the memories that come with it?? I have songs for all aspects of my life..friends, family, ex's, just moments..

You know technology has gotten so good these days on the internet--so why cant we do that with the radio.. You can block instant messengers, block spam, block certain emails.. Why can't they create something to block certain songs on the radio? I bet the number of car accidents would go down drastically... :-) Just a thought!

Its Time...

Starting tomorrow- I will wake up and look in the mirror and tell myself something good about me. I have got to really work on myself. No more of this feeling sorry for myself and thinking I have time to make myself look and feel better- then I will move on.. I have got to stop beating myself up with thoughts of things I have no control over.. Like what if he was cheating on me? or What if I had gotten so comfortable that I just didnt take care of myself the way I should have and he wasnt attracted to me anymore.. I need to move forward.

I will begin by a hair make over on Friday. I normally have light brown hair with thick blonde highlights.. I plan to dye it dark brown! Not sure about the cut.. Im kind of enjoying it long.. But thats a start to a new happier me.. I will get myself organized and throw out all the crap that I have been holding onto just cause you never know when you will need it.. Then I will begin doing a little self tanning to get my olive skin glowing again.. I will throw out frumpy clothes and keep those that flatter and make me feel better. I vow to only wear a hat once a week to class! Thats a hard one!! I just know that I need to get myself back out there and need to make myself feel good and confident again in order to do that. I will plan out a way to drag my exhausted ass to the gym or at least run around the park by my house.. I was losing weight and feeling so good and then got busy with life and not that I have gained but I have some more to go.. I want to look in the mirror and see that happy girl with the sparkling eyes and smile and laughter that seem to be contagious.. Before I can get into the dating world- I need to remind myself whats so great about me and know that I deserve more!!

By the way- my best friend, Jaime, the guy who doesnt live here but used to be in love with me.. Always loved me!! We talked almost every night religiously for years through 2 serious boyfriends on my part.. He always loved me.. kind of nice to know that someone felt that way about you always.. Well we have been best friends and kept in touch for 10 years!! He has always been my best friend and the one that could make me feel special and loved...He's got a girlfriend.. Not just some random girl that he's dating but one that the other night when we finally got to talk after 3 weeks!! He tells me that he's in love with her.. They have been dating a whole 2 months? Im not sure why I got so angry at him or felt like someone knocked the breath out of me.. but OKay so yes I do know why.. Because I have always loved him.. IN my mind- the thought always lingered that He was always the one.. This past Valentines was my first alone since Kevin and I broke up..( 6 1/2years together) and he offered to fly me to see him for the weekend and would take me out and make me dinner, make my favorite chocolate cake (only he knows how I like it) and I didnt go.. I guess the idea of us seeing eachother and knowing the feeling that we both have and me actually being single and in that situation.. What would happen?? I was scared too death and turned him down.. In may I was in town by chance and he was working at the firestation that night and when I called to say that I was in town and didnt think I would be able to see him though.. He went ahead and got some one to cover his shift so that if by chance we could hang out..we could.. Well I ran from that opprotunity too! I think Im scared because of the strong feelings, and Im scared because he has always had me on this pedalstool.. No one has ever been good enough compared to me.. and what if he sees me and realizes he was wrong to believe that for all these years?? I just dont think that my heart could take it.. I loved being the girl he was in-love with all these years and the girl that he knew he would end up with somehow.. Now this new girl has taken my place in just a short time.. He was mine for 10 years and now he's not.. I miss him so much.. I miss our 6 hour conversations, our jokingly saying we will get married if we are not married at 28, or if we win the lottery first- he will meet me out front of the lottery winnings office with a ring..:-) Maybe I just miss being wanted and loved.. and am scared that I wont find it again..

Well screw that theory- Its TIME!! Im making some changes and I know that I have good things in my future!! I just want to be happy again..

Im just wondering.. Got Any Advice?

So I know I have never really given my story and today is not the day to do that.. but I just wonder How Much Time Has To Pass Before: the memories fade.. Till you dont think its him driving by when you hear a freaking loud car drive by.. Till you dont dream about him everynight..Till you can walk through a place and not think of him when you smell "that cologne he wore.." Till you feel comfortable going to places and not worrying that you will see him..Till you can have a conversation and not always have a story about "one time he and I..."

I know I will always have a special place in my heart for him and what we had.. but I dont want that anymore and we have both moved on. So why cant I stop all these memories from arising?? It irritates the hell out of me! I have not seen or heard from him in over a year now.. It was too hard for both of us I guess.. but I never thought this much time would pass before we would speak or email or see eachother. Maybe thats what Im hung up on.. We are both happy and moved on- but we both lost our best friend of 6 1/2 years... So Again Im asking.. How Much Time Has to Pass Before I can just let go of it all??

Sweet Sweet Best Friend..

My guy best friend for 10 years now that I love so much~ sent me this poem a few years back when he thought he was "in love" with me.. Then when my 6 1/2 year relationship ended and I was heart broken he sent it to me again.. Its amazing how the same poem can make you feel different emotions at different times in your life. Thank for being such a wonderful Best Friend!!

You're lovely as a flower, So pure and fair to see;
I look at you, and sadness Comes stealing over me.
I feel my hands should gently Cover your head in prayer-
That God may always keep you So lovely, pure, and fair.
(Heinrich Heine)

Hope you have a great day. Jaime

He also sent me this one back in the day and I just remembered it and found it online.. Wouldnt it be nice if this were true... It is such a beautiful poem..

Alexander Pushkin
I loved you; even now I may confess,
Some embers of my love their fire retain;
But do not let it cause you more distress,I do not want to sadden you again.Hopeless and tonguetied, yet I loved you dearly
With pangs the jealous and the timid know;
So tenderly I loved you, so sincerely,
I pray God grant another love you so.

Okay, So I am really going to start writing on here soon.. Just had to get motivated, ya know? A real Blog coming soon!!

Here goes one more that I found.. Wonder What Was going on When I Wrote This One? :-)

The words came and left and I was stuck with the realization of them.
My changing faces and attitudes, how do I expect you to keep up?
Smiling for a second and then in tears the next. Don’t take my moods to heart,
although all your actions will be analyzed to the fullest degree, and taken very personally.
It must be hard walking on eggshells all day...
having to watch what you say for fear of getting griped out or thrown on a guilt trip..
Sorry but that’s life and as a girl I have a different pain that you will ever know...
So I don’t want to hear you complain..That’s my job!!
10-22-98 “BEEN MEAN ALL DAY!!!!!"
Melissa

Another one of these Old Poems I Found.. I Remember Just How I felt When I Wrote This...

I caught your brown eyes from across the room...
So big, so bright
one look and I knew I’d love you.
I walked closer...
so dark, so deep
a glance took my breath away
full of mystery, yet so sincere
I know this magic is real.
I am almost to you...
when our eyes met I knew
I could get lost in you and have no worries...
you’ll keep me safe.
Your loving arms I’d love to feel wrapped around me
and your soft lips against my skin
and your warm breath as you whisper sweet nothings.
but nothing will come of your bright eyes
because I didn’t hold your stare...
I looked away.
2-19-98 melissa

Ever Re-Read Your Own Poetry Years After It Was Written.. What Did Yours Make You Think?

The water glissened down below.. I reached and there it was..
corners ragged from years and somewhat creased from the bending..
dull coloring from years of touching and staring...

it was you as if you hadn't changed at all...

your smile so real it leaped off the thin page...
your eyes seemed to stare straight through me into my soul..
as If you were there with me again...
what I would do to feel your tender touch or the warmth of your body next to mine...
I long for you to come off the page and hug me...
Its as if I can still hear your soft serene voice...
saying that it will all be alright...that your still here for me..

I feel a warmth about me, and notice a hand on my shoulder..
as I turn to look the wind blows..
and your picture is swept out of my hand into the water below...
2-20-98 Melissa