What A Day...

So today was full of memories.. mostly good, some sad. I was reminded that 2 years ago my ex's family had invited my family to come spend Thanksgiving with them all together.. At that time we were doing wonderful and had big plans for the future.. Last year was hard knowing that I was supposed to be there with all of them and my family.. But I made it through and told myself that this year would be better..My brother actually said to me that he thinks that Im much better off and happier now than I was then..But Now Im Still left thinking Please Lord- Next Year has got to be better!!

My brother that evidentally knows just the perfect thing to make me upset had some words for me today.. We were talking about how weird it is that my parents arent spending Thanksgiving with us today.. and how it will be in the future. I said that I sure hoped he didnt move out of state when get starts his career- that I hoped he would live close enough to me that we would still spend holidays together..and that my kids would have a chance to really know their Uncle since we never had family around us when we were growing up.. He said " well I wouldnt be worried about that cause in order to ever have kids- you will have to meet someone first..." Wow- Happy Thanksgiving- Love, my brother! He makes no sense to me sometimes..

I did get a call from my best friend today.. he called early and said that he could barely keep his eyes open.. he'd eaten too much. I was laughing and amazed cause I had just put in the ham..lol I was starving and knew we wouldnt be eating for a few more hours.. We didnt talk long.. But it was nice to hear his voice and its always nice to get a call when someone starts off by saying.."I was thinking about you.."

I love my brother and was glad to have him home with me today even though he can bring me down in an instant.. One thing that he did say that made me kind of happy though was that he would possibly want to live in a certain city that I have been looking at possibly moving to.. I hope and pray that my brother and I someday form a close relationship and can hangout together and enjoy eachothers company.. I hope that we can maintain a closeness when we each get married and have kids- that we will be apart of eachothers lives--I hate the fact that I never get to see my older brother and sister and am not a part of their lives and their childrens lives.. I have always been so jealous of all the families that live in the same cities and have Thanksgiving and Christmas with the whole family and spend time with their grandparents and uncles/aunts/cousins.. I want that so badly for my family someday! We shall see.. you never know what the future holds..

So I guess the moral of the story is that the day is finally over.. the dishes will get done tomorrow, and my brother will be there when I get home in the morning. Tomorrow night we are going to a Hockey Game together..Thats our one form of bonding that really works- maybe it will make up for today..

I'm Just Going to Close My Eyes and Sit Very Still..

I cannot manage my money to save my life sometimes.. I had problems my senior year of high school and the first few years of college...But the last few years it has gotten better.. Might bounce a check once a year or something but nothing crazy.. Well I have tried to keep a checkbook but I always screw up the math.. So I just keep track in my head..that obviously works pretty well till now.

So I got paid on Wednesday and it was a bigger check than normal because of my raise at work.. but can you believe that I just called my bank to see how much I have in there and I have $45.00!! What happened to all that money, you ask?? Well evidentally by pay check went through at the same time as a bunch of checks.. Since they went in at the same time, I got insufficent fund charges...So now I have $45.00 to last me 2 weeks and have 3 bills to pay and 2 checks that havent gone through..How the heck am I going to pay for Thanksgiving??

You know if its not one thing, its another.. Oh and my last conversation with Him wasnt good.. I got the information on my January teachers convention and I wont be staying with him cause we stay in the dorms at the facility. I dont know if I really want to go after all though- the first night we are going to be taking a late night (11pm) Owl Prowl.. They want us to hike AT NIGHT and go in search of owls.. Um, hello, I do not do snakes and if I cant see where the hell Im walking then we have a problem.. The next night they are having a bonfire with smores and of course Im all for that..lol :-) Still waiting to hear if the organization is going to pay for it...

But our conversation did not go well because He can tell that I am stalling. He said that I should come spend New Years Eve with him.. I told him that I didnt have plans yet but need to see if my dad would be coming home that weekend first.. Then he asked about the following week- could I come visit before I start student teaching?? Blocked again.. I am sick to my stomach that Im so stupid.. I cant make a damn decision because Im scared and I cant balance a checkbook to save my life!!! Whats a girl to do??

At this point in my life.. I have decided that as confident as I feel that Im going to love teaching, be a great teacher, meet the man of my dreams, get married and have beautiful babies, make a positive difference in lives of the people I meet.. Right now, Im just scared. Im scared of everything.. Im scared to get too close to people, really let them in to see how vulnerable that I am, I dont want to get hurt or be disappointed, and am sick and tired of being a dissappointment.. maybe if I just close my eyes and sit very still- I can be invisible for a bit till I figure things out.

I Just Have To Smile..

Wow is it already time for Thanksgiving?? Amazing how it was just 4th of July, ya know? I wish that the older I get, the slower things would go.. everything just goes so much faster now.. So normally this time of year, I am all pumped about decorating or sending out cards and stuff.. Nope! Not this year.. Normally, I would have already started my Christmas shopping and had my Christmas cards bought and ready to fill out.. Nope! Another thing is that I have no idea where our Christmas tree and decorations are... We normally do that a few days after Thanksgiving. Yeah things are definately not the same around our house.

So I got a super sweet phone call today.. wait back up.. He has been calling me every day, yes, everyday.. Its just like old times.. I had missed that. He's doing better but she just keeps making problems.. I dont know what to tell him.. he knows that she's a B*tch but continues to answer when she calls?? Oy!! So anyways, today he calls and is all excited.. He wants me to come spend a few days with him over Thanksgiving.. I just have to smile cause he's just like every other guy in the world and totally ignored the conversation we had a few nights ago about how Im working the night before and after Thanksgiving and have all my finals that next week... hmm.. It was still very sweet though for him to ask.

Oh and on Saturday night- I got done at the Library at like 9pm and was headed home.. he calls and says he's bored at home, just lounging around watching a movie, and didnt really want to go out. I told him I was about to do the same.. he said too bad you cant be here cause we could do that together.. and I made some joke about what a hot date that would be! he said no really, you come visit me and I will take you on a date and even make my famous chocolate cake for you.. :-) I should never let guys know thats the secret to my heart....

How weird would that be though, to go visit him for Thanksgiving?? Yes Im here after not seeing you for 5 years- now cook for me!!! :-) I think Im good here for now.. thanks

I feel like a rubber band..

So its like this.. I have these ponytail holders that are elastic.. You can stretch them, pull them, wrap them around stuff so tight... and when you take them off they are kind of stretched out of shape.. but if you give it a few hours or so- it will be the same shape again and ready to go.. I am that rubber band!! :-)
Sometimes I get pulled in so many different directions and I just wonder when it will stop..

Friday I will run 4 errands (bank, pay phone bill, pay electric bill, go by the rent house to do a walk thru) for my parents, go teach a colors lesson at a school, return a friends library books, run to Staples to get some supplies for Saturdays group meeting, then Walmart to get groceries, meet with person in my other group who has yet to call me or email me with what time she can meet up on Friday, manage to do laundry, clean out car, pick up house, then try to swing by a birthday party of a friends that night..All this with no sleep! I think I should be a PRO-Goer!! I go and go and go.. on no sleep..But I have to cause I need to get this stuff done and wont have time on Saturday or Sunday.

Im just trying to remember what was like to have nothing planned.. to have a day or two to get your stuff done.. no rushing, just taking your time.. waking up from a good 8 hours sleep..no deadlines or things that had to be done that day.. Im thinking that the week of Thanksgiving will be a great week for me to catch up on sleep, get myself organized, check out all the movies that have come out in the last 6 months, just be lazy for a day or two!! Im ready for that.. Then I will be ready to go again..

Just thought of something..

So when I was going through my break up and finally starting to talking to my best friend again.. this song was so popular and it irritated the heck out of me at the time.. Its such a sweet song but not good when you are going through a break up.. Anyways- here it is..

Bless The Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way many years ago. Hoping I would find true love along the broken road. But I got lost a time or two,Wiped my brow and kept pushing through. I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you. Chorus: Every long lost dream led me to where you are. Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars. Pointing me on my way into your loving arms. This much I know is true, That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you.
I think about the years I spent just passing through. I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you. But you just smile and take my hand. You've been there you understand, It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Chorus:Every long lost dream led me to where you are. Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars. Pointing me on my way into your loving arms. This much I know is true, That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you.
Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms. This much I know is true, That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.

Ah, I can appreciate the greatness of this song now... :-)

Late Night Phone Calls and Pissy Emails...

You know how when the phone rings and you see that number- a smile instantly comes to your face.. Why is that??

So yes, he called tonight.. we talked for about an hour and 1/2. Nice talk.. He needed to vent.. he texted her today to say he would be by to get his things and that he would like to see her but if she didnt want to see him- just put his things outside. Well- sure enough his things were outside.. He went thinking it would go a little differently. He had made her a CD and also bought her a Cross to hang on her wall.. she collects them. She called him tonight and thanked him for the gifts... That was it... then our conversation moved on.. Which was good because Im so tired of that stupid girl, and I hate hearing that hurt and sadness in his voice..

He said he might just surprise me soon and come visit.. what the hell? Um, thats not in my plan at all!!! Im pretty sure that he wouldnt do that.. but oh my goodness- what if he does? Do I just up and leave town??? :-) Then he started asking if I would seriously be moving to his city.. and he was really promoting the schools and how much I would be making and how we could be roommates?? Yes, that last part kind of threw me too.. The conversation was so nice and we both laughed so hard.. I love our conversations.. they are just so real and honest..

Then he ruined it all.. He mentioned our little joke about getting married when we turn 30.. He said that we might need to lower that number some.. I realize that he is just kidding but its just the fact that I dont want to be single and 30 eithor but I do want to find real life long love... OH and one thing he said tonight made me really check myself.. I dont know why Im so hung up on the thought of what might have been or what could be.. Every so often he says something that makes me think- yeah this is not ment to be. Tonight when I was trying to comfort him about her.. he asked me how long it would take till he would be over her.. and I told him that it would probably be alittle harder with this one.. considering the level they went in the relationship. she was his first. he said he didnt think that makes a difference at all. (ARE YOU KIDDING ME??) (THIS IS THE GUY THAT FOR SOME REASON I THINK I MIGHT REALLY SOMEDAY LOVE??) Nice wakeup call!! That was just a shitty comment and I would never want to be with someone that didnt value some of our most precious gifts.. then he went into the whole feeling sexually frustrated conversation.. Um, again, I dont want to hear it. I have been frustrated for 1 year and 5 months.. Plus, guys can take care of it much easier than girls.. GRRRRrrrr- Guys are so stupid..

oh and lastly- I got 3 emails today that pissed me off. 2 were from 2 of my best friends that I havent heard from in forever.. both asking me if I was dating anyone.. Dont they know that I would be calling them and telling them if that happened?? Then the last email was from my ex's mom- whom I am very close with and adore!! She was asking me if I was going to be in town over Dec 16-18...She is coming to see him graduate.. and I know she wants to find time to come see me.. I emailed her back and said that yes I would be in town but that I understand that that will be a very fast weekend...I dont want her to feel obligated.. But just in case, Im starting my workout tomorrow.. :-) Want to look good for people that havent seen me in over a year..lol I really want to ask he when he will be gone, for good, living back at home with them..and if his fiance is going with him?? The day that he is out of this city will be a day for me to celebrate..no more having to wonder or worry if I will run into them. Just knowing that he is happy is all I need.. The fact that he hasnt cared to call, email, or even ask about me says it all.. I dont need to see him for me to know that..

One Small Step...

We all have different kinds of friends.. like the ones that we see all the time and can talk to about any and everything.. or the best friends that we have known for years but have managed to grow apart in many ways..This weekend one of my very best friends of 16 years was in town.. I really wanted to see her but was hesitant. She has become a very different person the last few years and though I love her to death- she has changed in some ways that are not good. She used to hate being around her mom because the lady is just hateful and says the meanest things to people. Now my friend has become this way as well. So now when I see her, she almost always makes some rude comment about me. Lately, I have really been trying to work on me, and myself perception of myself. Im trying to build my confidence and self esteem. When she emailed me and said that she would be out with her mom on Saturday night.. as much as I wanted to see her- I just dont want to deal with the thought of the 2 of them ganging up on me. People who know your biggest insecurities and sit there and just run you in the ground.. Are those really good friends? So this weekend, I kind of surrounded myself with people that do make me feel better and are good friends to me instead. I feel bad about not seeing her- but hey sometimes you gotta do whats best for you, right??

and Yes I did talk to HIM this weekend.. We talked off and on all weekend but really got a chance to talk tonight and it was so nice. He mentioned my possible trip to his area... I told him the situation in more detail and that I was trying to figure out the closest hotel and if it would be best to fly or drive there.. I half joking said well I could just come stay with you and you could drive me to the conference. :-) He made a few jokes about how much he would charge me and stuff.. but in the end he was like yeah you need to come stay with me! I told him good that that was what I had planned anyways..he laughed and I said then you could cook me some good meals. Cause he's such an awesome cook! He said well that could get expensive and I said nah- Im a peanut butter and jelly kind of girl.. except that I would want him to make his famous chocolate cake for me..he laughed and said that he hoped this all worked out and couldnt wait to see me. :-) See, so I finally made a small step towards getting over my issues with him... Who knows- I may back out but at least Im starting to try..

Nothing Better Than A Good Friend, A Few Good Beers, and a Phone Call..

So He called me tonight.. I was out a bar having a few drinks with a friend and catching up..and I hear that ring tone.. He has a certain one that no one else has. I didn't plan it that way.. just happened. So I answer and he tells me that he's about to text message "her". I wrinkle my forehead and ask why?? He says that he just wants to make sure that she's doing okay..blah blah.. He says he will let me go and will call me before work tonight. Cool! So I go back to my beer and friend.. About 5 minutes later, I hear that ring tone again.. So I excuse myself again and answer. He says that he sent a text message asking if she's okay and that he's been thinking about her. She texts back and says she's good and hopes he's doing alright. He again texts her and says "I miss you." He wasn't expecting the response "Well that's funny, you sure didn't seem to be missing me last weekend when you were out with that other girl." Damn! What SHE obviously doesn't know is that he was with Isabel and her boyfriend..What HE doesn't know is that it doesn't matter cause she doesn't trust him, and never has or she would know better!

So now he's all freaked out and wants to call her and explain.. ((My friend is now looking around the room, possibly a little annoyed that Im on the phone and I smile the "im sorry smile..")) He says he's going to call her and leave her a message since she probably wont pick up. I tell him fine and that I will call him before work.
Finished up another beer, had a few good laughs and headed home.

So on my way to work- I call him to make sure he's okay.. He says that he did call her and left the message and at the end asked that she please call him back. He tells me that if she doesn't call him back- he's threw with it. I am secretly praying that she doesn't call back..

You know, HE used to be the person that could see things.. He could see when someone was being used, or lied to, or treated badly, he was good at that.. But now because he shared "something special of himself" with this girl- he cant see that she treated him like shit from day one!! That she has made him question his worth and left him feeling worthless.. Why is it that he cant see any of this.. and if he can, why doesn't he wake up and realize he needs to let her go???

On another note.. HE is making one big change.. She had a big problem with him still living at home with his parents..So in 2 weeks he is moving out and going to live with a friend that owns his own house. Kind of exciting but I think he may be doing it for the wrong reasons.. She's not coming back cause you finally moved out..

Then again, what the hell do i know?? I am single after all.. and will not be a relationship any time soon.. im looking at old maid status coming on fast! I think I may go tomorrow and meet up with a few good friends, have a few glasses of wine, and not answer my phone!

Serendipity, Fate, What do you think??

So today I got some really exciting news!! All my hard work in graduate school has been noticed and one of my professors approached me this afternoon. She said that she noticed my enthusiasm and excitement about teaching, and had heard good things from my other professors and wants me to attend a teaching conference this coming spring. She is going to ask the organization at school to pay my way as well. How cool is that? So I was really really excited and what a compliment!! Then she tells me where the conference would be held.. Just so happens that its in the same city as my best friend...Last time he and I talked he was saying how we had not seen eachother in like 5 years and that we need to get together soon.. This conference is in January. So I don't now.. Just seemed like maybe God's tired of letting me go at my own pace and is giving me a push that way..lol

Today I also began thinking about how many changes will be occurring in 2006.. I will have to quit my job so that I can student teach from January through April. Then I will have to find a job and figure out where Im going to live.. There are so many possibilities for my future and Im so excited!! I have a feeling that 2006 will be a great year for me, and cant wait!!

So if the organization decides to pay my way to the conference in January- that would be so wonderful.. Cause I will not be able to afford $200.00 on my own at that point. But what do you think.. Should I see HIM while Im there?? Guess I will just have to wait and see if it works out..

Why the Silence?

So its been a stressful few days, and I just want to pick up the phone and talk to someone who cares.. I thought of my closest best friends (4 of them) and the more I thought, the more I realized it was no use to call them. They are all married and wrapped up in their husbands and work, and babies.. I get the typical
"You wouldn't understand" tone when they talk about what they are dealing with anymore.. I need to talk to someone and don't want the call to be one sided and their lives only.. Just because Im not married with kids- doesn't mean I don't have things going on in my life.. So I didn't call them.

Then I thought about calling my guy best friend- but when we spoke the last few times it has been pretty brief and full of silence. What does that mean?? Either we are just so busy and its not a good time to talk, or he's just taking the breakup so hard that he cant focus on anything else.. or we are losing touch with eachother?? OR maybe Im just over analyzing it.. So I didn't call him.

I have a few friends here that Im very close with and wanted to call them but they are busy and I don't want to interrupt. I really don't have much to say-- I just wanted to talk to someone.. I just wanted to feel valued and needed..

I almost started crying in the shower this morning thinking about how much I miss my parents.. They have been gone for 2 months now and somehow seems much longer. I think I have taken them for granted. Now I try to make all our phone conversations last as long as possible and hate to hang up. I am extremely close with my parents, they are my best friends.. But I wonder did I ever make them feel like I was too busy with school, work, friends, dating to listen to them??

I hope that I give the impression to people that I will listen and be there whenever they need me.. I don't want to be so wrapped up in my own world to not be able to stop and be there for others.. Yeah, I don't know where Im going with this whole blog now.. So Im going to go.. I wish more than anything that all the people I love and care about know that and if I could give each of them a big hug right now-- I would! :-)